cath's cravings

long overdue update ...

2011-06-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

so. since i am updating blogs, here goes:

1. i weigh more than i ever have in my whole life. so much so that i am not writing it down until the number goes down. that's just the way it is for now ...

2. despite having some really great things going on in my life right now, i am still very stressed and a tad overwhelmed (oxymoron, no?) ...

3. i am dealing with this stress by sleeping and eating too much ...

4. this post is my first attempt to start dealing with it by writing and swimming ...

wish me luck, please!

also, i would love to hear your 'tricks' for getting out of a rut - please share!!

lose it! ...

2011-01-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

trying something new over here.

been about a week and so far i am enjoying the convenience and pretty pictures and graphs. a little frustrated with the long time it takes to load each page, but so far i am keeping up to date and suspect this will be a useful tool if i can keep doing so.

what do you use to track such things?

how is your healthy journey going?

flipping back from the flop ...

2010-11-19T11:23:00.001-08:00

so. you who have watched this blog will recall i have gone from not wanting to have weight loss surgery, to accepting it as a necessary tool for my overall health.

well, this is me moving back to my original side of the fence.

although i reserve the right to change my mind AGAIN, for now i am back to choosing the no surgery route.

there are a number of reasons for this. some practical, some "just cause".

i have 3 friends who have had the surgery in the last year and all 3 of the them have recommended it to me. they love buying smaller size clothes, and the positive self-esteem that comes from looking and being smaller. but they all cautioned me about it not being a cure-all, and that there are side effects that aren't much fun.

previous to these three friends, i had heard that 1 in 4 people who have surgery will have severe medical issues following surgery. well, i have now known 6 people who have had surgery and all 6 have had major issues - some life-threatening.

while it would be awesome to weigh less, buy smaller clothes, and feel more "normal", i am more interested in losing weight for health reasons and it seems like i will be trading one set of health concerns for another - including some i am not willing to risk.

but more than these practical reasons, there is the message my body is sending me. while i took a break from the weight wise program over the summer, i lost weight. not a lot, but a little - and considering the emotional tornado of my life, that is amazing. as soon as i went back to weight wise, i gained it all (and more) back - in 6 weeks. the friend who challenged me about my assumptions (see last post), also asked if maybe i was sabotaging myself because i don't want surgery.

i took about 10 days to think very carefully and realized - i don't. i really don't want it. funnily enough, i lost 5 pounds the next week.

so, for now, i am back to being on my own. but now i have a lot more tools in my arsenal and am eager to use them. in the last 22 months (from when i started the weight wise program) i have:

* increased my daily average of steps from 1300 to 6000 (WOW! that looks so good in writing!)
* increased my consistency about eating breakfast
* worked more vegetables into my diet and usually hit my target of 7-8 servings/day
* moved a few steps closer to the world of whole grains
* gained a greater understanding of when and why i eat emotionally

as i continue with these accomplishments and build on them i know it will have positive results. maybe not drastic and immediate ones, but they will happen.

the key is remaining positive about myself AS I AM - because the truth is, even if i never lose another pound, i am good enough just the way i am.

belief system overhaul ...

2010-10-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

okay. you all probably thought there was nothing more coming from this blog, didn't you? but something happened this week that is worth pondering.

a good friend challenged my belief that if i don't have a treat every day i will go crazy and eat a tonne of them. she also suggested i might consider that i have an "entitlement" attitude toward treats - like they are owed to me. she then quickly moved out of hitting range. (grins)

no, i didn't lash out at her, and i am still thinking about what she said. but a few things i have known for some time seem to apply here. they can be filed under "things i learned by watching my parents":

1. when you are an adult, you get what you want
2. being a grown up means going out for dinner
3. if you are unhappy, ice cream will make you feel better
4. if you are happy, let's go to dairy queen to celebrate!
5. if you are too tired to cook, the drive thru is always an option
6. why walk when you can drive?
7. solitary reading is better than almost everything else
8. food is for fun, socializing, comforting, celebrating, and something to look forward to (oh! dinner out on saturday! b-day dinner this week!)

obviously, none of these beliefs are good for my pocket-book, waistline, or happiness in general.

i have long thought that if i could make one simply change in my belief system i would be well on my way to improved physical, emotional and mental health. it is simply this:

food is fuel.

i know, not profound. but true!

if i started using food to fuel my body and brain and let my emotions be taken care of in other, more appropriate, ways ... well. can you imagine? i can't. not yet anyway. but i am going to continue trying wrap my head around it.

and maybe even go one day this week without a treat.

leveling the playing field ...

2010-04-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

once i accepted that my branch of the family tree was as depressed as a lot of the other ones, i was able to get some help and "level the playing field" in terms of my emotional health. yes, that involved some little pills - ones i had fought trying for years. but the results were so immediate, and so profound, i can not deny the absolute need for them in my life. some people don't need meds to overcome depression. some people only need them for a short time to get over a hurdle. and some people (like me) will probably need them forever. this is not a bad thing - it just is.

likewise, weight issues (whether it be anorexia, bulimia, overeating) often contain a genetic component. and once again, some people don't need any help, some people can conquer these problems with moderate intervention and support in making new choices. and some people need radical help to overcome their challenges. once again, i have come to accept i am in the last category.

for over a year now, i have been meeting with a registered nurse, a psychologist, a dietitian, and a physiotherapist. for the most part, i have done what they have asked of me - and when i have fallen short of their expectations, i have redoubled my efforts to improve in the future. i have attended 9 classes that have taught me much about nutrition, movement, lifestyle choices, and the emotional component of my over eating. i have also attended 10 weeks of an emotional eating support group - gaining great insights and adding to my store of skills. and yet ... i have not lost any weight. indeed, in the beginning, i gained and am now maintaining at the highest i have ever been. GACK.

my point? just as medication leveled the playing field mentally, i am confident medical intervention will level the playing field when it comes to food. to this end, i am aiming to have bariatric surgery. there are three main types of surgery that are available, and each has benefits and drawbacks - and none "fix" the problem. you still need to watch what you eat. in fact, if you don't choose to eat in a healthful way, you will see even more severe consequences than before surgery - because you will have no "reserves" to fall back on.

it has been determined by my team of health care professionals that i need to complete the excavation of my pyramid before i take the step of surgery, and even though i am frustrated and a little depressed at the delay, i know this is the right way to move forward. i am not sure what this means for this here bloggy-thingy, but i plan to check back in while i am "on hold" ...

an itty bitty giant vent ...

2010-03-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

did you know that most people with weight issues know more about nutrition and healthy eating than people without weight issues? it is true. it proves that weight loss/maintenance is not about "how to do it" but about "why i don't do it" ... and laziness is only one small part of the equation.

an example: you probably brush your teeth everyday. if you were to try and stop brushing your teeth everyday it would be very hard to do. not only would your mouth taste and feel gross, it would be very uncomfortable because it would not be familiar. habits are familiar. familiar is VERY HARD to give up.

the habit of eating for comfort, stress relief, celebration, consolation, anger management, to avoid hurt and/or sadness, or __________ (fill in the blank) is long ingrained in many of us. and we get so upset with ourselves when we don't break the habit completely and all at once because, dag nab it, WE SET OUR MINDS TO DO SO AND IT SHOULD THEREFORE HAPPEN, FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

it is a process. did you do better today than yesterday? no? well, then there is tomorrow. or heck, the rest of today. oh wait, you got to tomorrow and the day after that - or even the month after that - and nothing improved?? SO WHAT? there is always the day after that - or even the minute after that. looking back to see what triggered the behaviour you wish to eliminate is good. berating yourself for "falling short" IS NOT GOOD.

which leads to another habit that is hard to break - beating up on ourselves.

sometimes i think we do this so other people won't get a chance to do it. if *I* say i am bad at something, others will be more likely to console me than jump on the derision wagon. but here's the thing: very few people want to criticize us anyway! and the ones who do are toxic and their influence needs to be eliminated or mitigated as much as possible.

another reason beating up on ourselves is so familiar and hard to give up? because it is easier (note: not more painless) than figuring out why we didn't change the behaviour we are criticizing ourselves for. let me say that again: it is easier to be mean to ourselves than to heal ourselves.

here are some of the things i have been beating myself up for:

*eating too much chocolate
*eating chocolate first thing in the morning
*sleeping until 2 in the afternoon
*staying up until 6am to finish a book
*not returning phone calls/emails etc. because i can't cope with interacting with people
*not posting on my blogs
*not doing my laundry the day i say will
*not organizing my room when i moved into it almost 2 weeks ago
*talking a lot (in my opinion, too much) when i am visiting with friends
*not listening as well as i think i should
*being depressed
*being unhealthy
*not cleaning my bathroom every week
*eating out because nothing healthy feels like it will satisfy me

dumb, hunh? let's turn that list around and see where i can praise (or at least pleasantly accept) myself:

*eating a planned, smaller amount of chocolate every day
*eating chocolate as a treat after healthier foods have been consumed
*sleeping until i have had 8 hours of sleep in a night; taking a nap later if i need one
*going to bed on time with the promise that upon waking, i can finish the book
*drop a quick email/txt message to let someone know i got their communication, but that i am not able to meet/chat/correspond at the moment
*remember that people who read my blogs will not judge me if a month goes by without an entry ... or at least, not too harshly!
*remember that as long as i have clean underwear, laundry is not an urgent need
*organizing is best done in a happy state - organizing when unhappy or unwilling leads to bad organization ... wait until i WANT to do, not push when i think i SHOULD do it ...
*know that my friends know i am a talker and they love me anyway ... remember how many people have thanked me for things i say, and hope that if i am dominating the conversation, they will tell me shut up for a few minutes ...
*remember to let people know i heard them - if not in the moment, then in a later conversation
*let go of blaming myself for something i did not cause, and focus on what i am doing to live better all the time with depression
*remember the things i have done to become healthy and know that, as long as i am not dead, there is always more time for improvement
*remind myself that not cleaning my bathroom every week does not mean i am a bad person
*at least once in awhile override the urge to eat out and then pay attention to how good i feel for doing the healthy thing ... cause the food at home almost always ends up tasting better. also, remember that if it doesn't, and the urge persists, those drive thru's are NOT closing down tomorrow - i can always go then

i know, this may seem a little pollyanna, but occasionally we need to be reminded that the cup, even when it is empty, is still a cup and having it is worth something all by itself.

what do you put yourself down about that can be turned around into something more affirming?

where has the time gone?

2010-02-03T23:24:00.001-08:00

hey there! i haven't forgotten this little blog, i just have been occupied elsewhere lately. but in the next week or so, i plan to do some debriefing on the weight wise modules i have attended, and give an update on where things are at overall. the biggest news is i started blogging my food journal over here. boring as dust, but working very well for me.

so, a tease of topics:

*moving matters
*stress management
*nutrition - what works in weight management
*the new dietitian
*weight loss surgery (i know, i promised this last time, but i really will fill you in soon!)

until later ...

tough post ...

2009-12-29T19:21:00.000-08:00

290.8 pounds this morning ...

amazing how easy it is to delude ourselves, isn't it?? this is a "really bad news/bad news/good news/better news/bestest news" post ...

really bad news: i have gained 16.4 pounds since i started this blog journey in november 2008 (gack).

bad news: 5.6 of those pounds were added since i last posted a weigh-in number - SEPTEMBER 29th!

good news: i haven't gained anything over the holidays!

better news: i ain't dead yet. ergo, there is yet time to improve!

bestest news: it is almost next year!!

even though it is a cliche, there is something energizing about a "new year" and i am very excited to have a fresh start. my 2010 goals can be found on my regular blog (starting friday morning), but here is a sneak peek at the two related to physical health:

*eat all servings of fruits & veggies each day
*increase pedometer steps to 6000+ per day

simple, hunh? i am confident they are the keys to overall success. there are other things i want to improve on, but i don't want to focus on too many things at once, get overwhelmed and give up.

i also plan to implement a modified weight watchers plan for the month of january - i know it is successful for me, and i need a kick start to get my confidence up a little more than it is now. i don't have any scale goals for the new year, but i know that if i focus on my other goals, the number will go down on its own.

this was definitely a wake up call ... i hope i don't hit snooze and ignore it!!

checking in ...

2009-12-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

so, it turns out i have a job that actually requires effort. and this little thing called a social life takes up another chunk of time. and then the cold makes me want to hibernate. thus i find myself with lots to pontificate about and no time or ability to do so!!

will do better soon ...

lots of thoughts on:

*weight loss surgery
*why i don't believe in myself as much as others do
*how good whole grain rice can be!

please stick with me ... i will put something funny up soon. promise!

little victories ...

2009-11-24T12:38:00.000-08:00

have passed the ON SALE maltesers THREE times now ...

have not gained any weight in 6 months ...

had to buy a size smaller jeans ...

made salmon, rice and veggies for dinner last night - AND LIKED IT ...

found out i don't snore (according to the pulmonary specialist) ...

have moved daily average on pedometer from 1800 to 3900 (in 10 months) ...

have not stopped thinking, planning, and working toward success even though i have slacked on the blog postings!

next up:

"living with weight-loss surgery FOR-EV-ER; or, scary things i am learning from the handouts!!"

some changes ...

2009-11-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

so. i was sick (the kind where you worship the porcelain gods) for 5 days and lost 10 pounds. sadly, 8 of them they found me once i started eating again.

i am not putting anything in writing until next thursday - my next weight wise appointment is then.

i will say the maltesers are done. haven't had any in a couple weeks, and don't crave them anyone.

however, those darn hallowe'en candies were everywhere. i resisted most, but i (STUPIDLY) had an aero. and a caramilk. guess what monster tummy is screaming everyday?? yup. ME WANT AERO! ME WANT CARAMILK!!

apparently i should change the name of this blog to "cath's CHOCOLATE cravings"

grrr ...

and, to end on a positive note: i have started yoga again and i am walking more and more all the time!!

an ode to chocolate ...

2009-10-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

o chocolate, my chocolate!

i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two chocolates converged in a wood, and i—
i took them both and traveled on,
and that has made all the difference

i hold it true, whate'er befall;
i feel it, when i sorrow most;
'tis better to have eaten chocolate and gained;
than never to have eaten chocolate at all

how do i love chocolate? let me count the ways
i love thee to the depth and breadth and height
my stomach can reach (and that is really saying something!)

with apologies to whitman, frost, tennyson & barrett-browning

sick & tired ...

2009-10-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

at the risk of sounding like a downer, i am at a loss for something encouraging to write. i am so very sick and tired of being sick and tired!! and (especially) not knowing why.

i have missed a lot of work, have been unable to meet a lot of other committments, and have basically eliminated anything resembling a social life in favour of simply trying to get through each day. and, as has often been the refrain in my life, just when i feel like i have gotten my feet underneath me something comes along and SWOOSH! down i go again.

currently i am rational enough to know this isn't all there is in life. also, - blessedly - i am not depressed (i know what that feels like and this ain't it). but my objectivity is shot. i feel like less than i know i am - the feel/think connector is a little damaged at the moment.

times like this do not lend themselves to healthy choices, it seems. physically, emotionally or mentally. GAH!

so far we have eliminated everything simple that could be causing this overwhelming fatigue ... now it is on to more challenging possibilities. first there is the sleep apnea test i am wiating to be scheduled for; there is chronic fatigue syndrome, and the ever popular seasonal affective disorder. uh yah. those last two are so subjective ... and hard to justify to employers and coworkers. the anemia is improving, so hopefully will not be a factor soon.

on the positive side, i spent the long weekend with an adorable, loving st. bernard who give me a big shot of lurve and i am confident that all will work for the best even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

but, to be fair - and not a total downer - here is a list of 10 things i am grateful for in spite of any and all challenges:

1. a comfortable bed to rest in - and a safe home in which to locate that bed!
2. great roomies who help any way that is needed
3. family that brings me dinner and keeps me company for a time
4. my bedtime stuffie "pup"
5. ch131.com
6. fuzzy slippers & hoodies
7. diet crush cream soda
8. a garage to park my car in
9. second, third, fourth - even one hundred and eleven-teen million chances to do and be better ...
10. people who read my blog(s)!!!

until next time ...

excuses, justifications, ignorance & bucking up ...

2009-09-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

went to another weight wise module a week ago and it was very different from the others. a lot of the people in the class have not started the program yet, so they don't have the "lingo" or the background i have gained. and it seemed like all i heard were excuses, justifications & ignorance. it made me realize i need to stop allowing those things into my life and just "buck up" - i know nothing is "easy" about weight loss ... but i also know that sometimes, there are things in life we just need to get up and DO. thinking, analysing, debating, pondering, wondering and are all necessary to any long term weight loss plan - but unless i DO something about it all the brain time is WASTED.

i told my doctor i need to "get out of my head" and she replied (knowing me so well), "do you even know how to do that?" ... nope. but i am gonna learn.

oh yeah, and i am down another 2 pounds (285.2) ... and being sick has nothing to do with it. nope. not a thing.

moving on ...

2009-09-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

i realized i have not laid my soul bare with a number for awhile now. funny, it is actually another new "high" but i am not upset about it. probably because i know i have been working on the reasons the scale has gone up more than i have been worrying about making it go down. the past two weeks, it has been at 287.4 ... wow. that sucks --- but i don't!!

tonight is my last eesg meeting ... i am not thrilled about that. i have really enjoyed having a group of people to connect with, learn from, and enjoy the company of for the past 10 weeks. but i am literally "moving" on ... i signed up for a yoga class on tues/thurs nights!

i miss it. not only do i enjoy the actual experience of participating in the class, i really love knowing i am being proactive about taking care of myself - and not just physically.

other ways i am moving on include correcting myself when i say something mean to myself - and the gauge for that is, "would i say this to my sister?" and if the answer is no, then i shouldn't be saying it to myself. i apologize and re-frame what i said.

example: last night i went to bed later than i planned, and as i was walking upstairs to get ready, i said something like this to myself: "idiot! you know you are barely making it out of bed in the mornings! you said you would go to bed at 9:00 and it is 9:30! what a stupid thing to do! you know you will still read for awhile so you really won't go to bed until 10 at the earliest, you are a lazy [butt]!!!" (yes, i use a different word in my head) ...

i literally stopped on the stairs and said, "NO I AM NOT!" ... i then re-framed it as follows: "well, that wasn't the best choice i have ever made, but at least it isn't midnight! and going to bed on time does not determine my worth." of course, i then proceeded to have insomnia and not fall asleep until 1am, but that is another story.

and guess what? i woke up on time WITHOUT THE ALARM this morning. (as anyone who knows me can attest, this is a HUGE accomplishment for me.)

so, here i am. moving on with the day, moving on with productive plans for thursday nights, moving on from speaking unkind words to myself. simply moving on ...

i am smart! and i don't need to know everything ...

2009-08-31T13:18:00.001-07:00

last week's eesg was especially intense for me. i have been really struggling with the "knowing what i know, why do i do what i do" concept.

*i know eating "treats" at every meal will not enable the number on the scale to go down
*i know eating vegetables and fruits will make me feel better RIGHT NOW (not at some far away point in time)
*i know that not eating them will make me feel crummy right quick
*i know eating by the clock keeps the metabolism running, and i avoid getting overly hungry and/or stuffed to the brim
*i know exercising (even 15 minutes a day) will make an ENORMOUS difference in my life (energy, stress-relief, etc, etc)

and yet ...

*i eat a HUGE bag of maltesers all at once, add 10 oreos and a bowl of ice cream for a day of disaster!!
*i end up throwing out 2 bags of salad because i tried to make them last all week and they went bad ... note to self: if i run out of vegetables or fruit - THE STORE HAS MORE!!
*i eat a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce instead of the YUMMY nectarines in the fridge
*i park close to the entrance of places i need to go, never drive by the gym on the way home (in case it has a ginormous cath magnet and sucks me in!), and daydream all sorts of pleasant evening walks that never become reality.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all this led to me labeling myself as "pre-contemplative" on the scale of addiction recovery.

i don't like being there. but i felt relief at labeling it as such. maybe i am just not really ready to do something about the fact that i am addicted to food and destructive eating habits.

then along came a reality check. and i blame the chicken and shrimp pasta.

i went for lunch with some girls from the office and after receiving my order i set 1/2 aside for another meal. we left the restaurant and the girls who ate all their meals were moaning about being stuffed, etc. i, and the other girl who took home leftovers, left feeling satisfied and energized. and when i stayed late at work that night, i had dinner right there!

i shared this experience with my eesg - and then when i tried to label myself "pre-contemplative" she called me on it. because pre-contemplatives don't take home half their meal. she said, "you seem to need to KNOW where you are at - but it is okay not to know."

and that's when it hit me. for me, it ISN'T okay not to know. cause that's what i am. the girl who KNOWS. when people describe me, smart usually is in the top 5 descriptors. that doesn't mean i am not other things, or that i am not surrounded by other really smart people. but it is definitely my thing. i read a lot. i use big words. i remember all sorts of useless stuff. i went to university - and graduated with a degree! I IS SMART!

so if i don't know where i am at with this food addiction, if i am not smart enough to solve this puzzle, what am i left with? i am a fat girl. ugly, lazy, weak-willed, unattractive to other people. and the negative self-talk just keeps flowing. crazy, right?? but can anyone say they haven't felt the same at times? done the same trash talking about themselves??

i tell myself i am okay the way i am - that i love myself no matter what i look like on the outside. that losing weight is for the good for my health, and yes, self-esteem - but i don't NEED it to happen to be happy. and that is right. and true.

and yet ... i am not quite there, yet.

in the meantime, i am going on a walk tonight. heck, i might even park at the edge of the parking lot!

"contemplation" by pino

cupcake conundrum ...

2009-08-24T12:06:00.000-07:00

while maltesers continue to linger as an addiction, lately they have been superseded by the (un)common cupcake. it is one thing to hang out with betty crocker for an afternoon, or invite duncan hines over for dessert, but these cupcakes are experts at luring foodies like me to our destruction. and at $2.50 to $2.95 a piece, they are not a cheap date.

i have now sampled cupcakes at the three shops i have access to in edmonton (fuss & flirt) and red deer (babycakes). i also have some experience with cupcakes from sprinkles, the beverly hills location that started it all. i am sincerely cupcaked-out! but i wonder how long that will last ... once thing is for certain: from now on, only ONE cupcake will be purchased - no need to sample the whole display case, cath!

summary:

1. sprinkles has the best selection, size, and the added bonus of being from BEVERLY HILLS!!!
2. fuss has the best CAKE part of the cupcake ... i want some un-iced ones. seriously.
3. babycakes has the best ICING and is the only all-natural bakery.
4. i won't say no to a flirt cupcake either.

it will shock no one to realize the persistent malteser addiction added to the cupcake chaos has prevented the scale from heading anywhere i want it to, but i remain aware and conscious about my choices - and i hope to move to the next step soon ...

a-ha! moments and whatnot ...

2009-08-14T12:59:00.001-07:00

i adore the emotional eating support group (eesg) i am part of right now. there are such diverse opinions expressed and i am learning so much from them all - even the people who don't want to be there (their words, not mine).

we each have different "a-ha" moments throughout the meetings, because we are each on different paths. yes, we all are overweight, and we all struggle with eating for reasons other than physiological hunger - but how it manifests in our behaviour and the reasons we do so are as different as can be.

the main purpose of the meetings - to help us change behaviours - remains the same. we discuss every week the connection between what we think/say, how we feel, and what we do. if i tell myself i am fat and ugly, or stupid, or lazy (or, or, or ...), i am going to feel poorly about myself and engage in defensive or self-comforting behaviour - which lately seems to involve an enormous amount of maltesers! ---- this in turn leads to weight gain and the whole cycle repeats.

alternately, if i am gentle with myself when i overdo it on the chocolate (shopping, talking, sleeping ... choose anything you beat yourself up about), and remind myself that those are things i DO - not WHO I AM, i can sometimes avoid the negative behaviour. not always (this isn't a magic cure-all) but sometimes i do.

here was my "a-ha" moment of the week: i now choose every bit of food that goes in my mouth!

i used to eat and eat and eat and ... you get the picture - and never realize how much i was eating until it was all gone. ALL GONE! how did i eat 4 kit kats and only remember 2 bites?? i could be half awake and reach into my "secret" stash of chocolate beside my bed then munch away until i woke up with chocolate breath.

but now, when i eat 4 kit kats, i remember every bite.

when i choose to eat maltesers as i wake up, i put a portion by my bed the night before - limiting the accessibility.

neither of those behaviours are desirable ones i hope to keep engaging in, but they are leaps and bounds ahead of where i started. and if i can do THAT, then i can do more.

my main goal is quite simple: to control food and not have it control me. i am discovering this means i need to control me - what i say, what i do, what thoughts i encourage and what thoughts i evict ... essentially, i need to control who i am.

to this end, i am going to spend the weekend pondering that age-old question: who am i?? i will let you know what i find out on monday ...

eating by the clock ...

2009-08-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

this is my new endeavour ... it is supposed to help increase metabolism, decrease cravings, increase my body's ability to absorb nutrients (i.e. IRON), decrease crankiness (yeah, right!) and just overall help increase my feelings of controlling the food i eat instead of the other way around.

so far, i am very happy with the change. i eat within 2 hours of waking, and then every 2-3 hours after that ... a typical (what's that!?!?) day would look like this:

07:00 wake up
08:15 eat breakfast
10:30 eat snack
12:30 eat lunch
15:00 eat snack
18:00 eat dinner
20:30 eat snack
23:00 bedtime

anyone who knows me is aware that the likelihood of this schedule being adhered to is about equal to the chances that side ponytails will be the next fashion craze to recycle.

i remain hopeful both will happen.*

i am a creature of habit and am boring/picky/lazy about food. accordingly, here is this week's menu plan:

* breakfast: 1 c. kashi "go lean" cereal; 1 c. chocolate milk; 1 banana
* am snack: handful of almonds, babybel light cheese wedge
* lunch: frozen something (lean cuisine, weight watchers); 2.5 cups raw veggies & 2 tbl dip (1/2 ff ranch, 1/2 bacon ranch); ff chocolate pudding
* pm snack: rest of veggies not finished at lunch
* dinner: 2 c salad with one of the following: 1) spaghetti 2) scrambled eggs with cheese & salsa 3) pancakes & crazy syrup
* night snack: 1.5 c grapes & *cough* maltesers *cough*

feeling pretty good about it overall ... not perfect yet, but it has been a MUCH better week than the last 6!!

also, i have changed how i track food. i needed something that would travel easily and have space for how i was feeling / what i was thinking when i ate. so i bought a moleskine 18 month planner with a block for each day of the week on the left and a blank page for notes on the right - so far it has been ideal. once a week i will transfer the eating part to my old planner pages so i can keep track of food group consumption, but this has proven much less daunting a task than the other set up.

as my momma says, i am "keeping on keeping on" ...

* i don't really want side ponys to come back in style. i said that for the shock factor.

to whom it may concern ...

2009-07-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

dear faithful reader -

as you may have surmised from my other blog, things have been a little rough lately. eating has taken a back seat to laying in bed and staring at a wall, slouching on the couch and staring at the kick-butt wide screen tv, and a significant amount of time has been invested in navel-gazing (i am in an in-y, in case you wondered).

and when i do eat? oh, right. that would be when the maltesers come out to play. nope, still haven't kicked the habit - but i did go 5 days in a row without any. i still am convinced they have heroin in them.

because i am battling the blahs, i told myself yesterday - after seeing what the scale had to say - that i was going to pretend i hadn't weighed in so i wouldn't have to write it down. but then i realized, if i don't bemoan the weight gain, i can't celebrate the loss that is sure to follow soon. besides, i can legitimately blame some of it on salt consumption (popcorn twists & clamato juice provide 12,974% of your daily intake of sodium, right?) ...

286.8 ... yet another new "high" - GAH!

today is a VERY tired day - couldn't sleep until 2am, and was tired all day yesterday to begin with, so i am not on the happy track today. but at least i am going to find my way back to a track of some kind!! you know the one - where you journal your food intake, exercise and all the fun thoughts and feelings that go with it!? yup, THAT kind of track. i'll let you know how it goes.

until next time ...
signed,
little miss lethargic

$18.13 of maltesers later ...

2009-07-08T13:44:00.001-07:00

i have decided that when people say they are being "accountable" it really means they are confessing. so, here i am - accountably confessing my current obsession with maltesers. kit kats? that is soooo last fall! reese's pb cups? out like last season's manolo blahniks, baby.

but maltesers?? no matter how many i eat, i want just 4 more. yes, i eat them in handfuls of 4 - two for each side of my mouth. i crunch a little and let them melt a little, and move them around in my mouth so the chocolate is EVERYWHERE, then i crunch them a little more ... and, well, if i keep going this is going to turn into something "R" rated.
good grief, i can't get enough! even when i overdo it and think, "that's it! i am DONE with those malted balls of divine-ness" the NEED for more creeps up on me the next day ... or (sometimes) the next hour. and don't tell me i don't NEED them - you risk a black eye (and removal from my christmas card list) if you so much as hint at them being a want, not a need.

sadly, this is not the only thing i need to confess today. are you ready? it is BAD. okay. here goes:
thelasttwomorningstheonlyreasonihavewokeupistoeatmccaindeepanddelicouschocolatecake.

nasty, no? i kept the cake on the shelf beside my bed, and i even kept a fork in my room. i didn't even have to get out of bed to indulge the insanity. i have mentioned these evil cakes before, but have not succumbed to them in a long time. i almost feel like an adulterer when i indulge in the chocolate cake at 7am fetish - and the maltesers are sitting on my bookshelf WATCHING THE WHOLE TIME! but, hey, at least i didn't call into work for a sick day (even though (mentally) i am feeling quite ill lately). please: no comments about not keeping the food in my room to reduce temptation, this time it was a conscious choice to do so.

and here is my analysis of WHY all this mayhem is happening: i tried a new medication, and i joined an emotional eating support group.

1. new medication:
after meeting with the weight wise psychiatrist, i decided to try bupropion. there has been some evidence that it helps curb cravings - and i decided to give it a chance. after 4 days of taking a "half-dose" i moved up to the full dose. other than not being able to get to sleep, stay asleep and waking up crying more than once a night, it was GREAT. i decided this might not be the right drug for me so i cut back then stopped all together. did it reduce cravings while i cried myself awake, you ask? well, since it takes about month to really take effect, i would have to say no. this bummed me out. i wasn't expecting a miraculous change of heart, but i confess i was hoping it would help increase my "won't-power" a little more. you see, even though i know in my head (and usually my heart) that overeating and being overweight is a complex issue, there is still a part of me that thinks it is all because i am too lazy, weak, stupid, (insert your own negative self-talk label) to change.

wow. i think that is what they call a breakthrough!

2. emotional eating support group (eesg)
i love getting new tools/knowledge/support/validation/opportunities to talk through issues and the eesg is sure to be great in that way. but it is still scary. 10 people with their own issues/insecurities/biases/anger/denial/hopes/interpretations in the same room is INTENSE. session #1 was a lot to take in and process.

so, there you have it. half my free spending money for the week went to maltesers and mccain deep and devilish cake. half my free time has gone to deep thinking (the other half? avoidance of the deep thinking). half my energy goes to getting out of bed each day and the other half to just dealing with being awake.

final item: thanks to those of you who note when it has been awhile since i blogged - i appreciate your encouragement and the fact that you read very, very much.

calf muscles, the high level bridge, and high hopes ...

2009-06-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

nothing to report on the scale front - it has held steady at 279.8 for a couple of weeks now. funny. went back to journaling and the weight popped back on. can you say, "argh"? but i thought i would keep you in the loop.

today, well, today i want to write about cravings and memories - and about how some remembrances live up to the hype.

i may have mentioned this before (about 200 times), but i love to eat out. i love not preparing the food or doing the dishes. i love choosing whatever i want. i love ordering the same thing every time i go somewhere and knowing it will be wonderful (notable exception: julio's barrio changing their chicken burrito into a bizarre chicken stew wrapped in a tortilla - who in their right mind puts CARROTS in a BURRITO??). i love visiting with exceptional friends over a great meal. i also love reading a fun book while dining on my own. i love tipping good servers more than they expect. i love everything about the experience.

so last saturday was guaranteed to be a good day - i was going to the high level diner in edmonton with a new friend made at a weight wise module. i had not been there in at least a decade, but the eggs benedict live on in my memory - and they did not disappoint. nor did the ambiance - i love that little diner! afterwards, my friend and i walked out onto the high level bridge ... something i used to do on a regular basis. however, it has been about 10 years since i did that as well - and my body wasn't up to the full challenge. it is over 2800 feet long and we made it about 1/2 way across before turning back. the hardest part was the teeny, tiny, little, insignificant, barely noticeable incline back to the main road. might as well have been everest. i was worn out after that adventure (so pathetic!) and my calves reminded me of their existence for FOUR DAYS afterwards.

i can't walk the high level bridge without remembering going across it in the summer when the waterfall is on - i was 13 and crazy (perhaps that is redundant?) and walked through the waterfall. with the heat of edmonton in the summer, i was dry within half an hour. it was so much fun! and i will never do it again. but just walking out onto the bridge brings back youthful memories. even though i will never run through the waterfall again, i want to get back to that less care-full time and be able to not only walk across the entire bridge, but to do the return trip as well - and then walk all through the legislature grounds and play in the reflecting pool (that is something i would do again!).

this leads me to think about all the other things i want to be able to do:

*never wonder if i will have to wear a seat belt extender on a plane
*ride any ride at an amusement part
*own a swimming suit that isn't a "fashion" one designed to hide everything
*move the driver's seat in my car forward and not worry my stomach will get in the way
*stop buying shirts solely on the basis of how long they are (ergo, how much stomach they can cover!)
*sit like this:

but right now, what i really want is to figure out why i prefer eating now to achieving those goals??? perhaps the emotional eating group i start on july 2nd will help with identifying and resolving some issues.

your turn - what is one memory you cherish from your youth? what is one thing you would do if your body was more the way you want it to be??

but seriously ...

2009-06-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

i wanted to let you know how the meeting with the dietician went. we clicked and i felt comfortable with her - and that is important when it comes to some cute skinny girl telling you what to eat!!

we talked about the weight gain that has happened since i started the program and how stressed that is making me. she recommended a couple changes to how i journal to assist with that.

1. i no longer write down what time i eat something - i simply record breakfast, lunch and dinner, as well as snacks. this helps with the stress because i would see that i had gone too long without a snack, or i would see that i just had something so i shouldn't be eating again. we talked about eating regularly but not rigidly.

2. the check-box tracking method - a quick way to see what i need to eat and what i need to avoid. i like this - it looks pretty, is organized and i love checking off the boxes!! (sample enclosed for your viewing pleasure)

3. not doing it all overnight. i know this is obvious, but i appreciated her stating it.

looking at my current journals, i was averaging 20 "others" a day (anything that doesn't belong in one of the 4 food groups (fruit/vegetable, grains, meat & alternatives, milk & alternatives)). each kit kat is FOUR "others"!!!!!!!!!! each little finger of that evil kit kat counts as one. argh!! each cookie counts as one!! this is where i am going to suffer the most. my ultimate goal is to get down to 4 others in a day. right now, i am aiming for 8 ... and have been at 12 the last three days. that is a 40% decrease from prior days. let's see if i can maintain that and then keep moving it down.

as the picture is awful, i will point out the other things i am tracking: taking a multi-vitamin, drinking enough water, the number of steps i take in a day, and the time i woke up and went to sleep. these are trends that are important to me as well - they are all part of being the healthiest person i can be. i will be brave and post a completed one soon ...

i had a goal this week to stay home with my bf every night - and let him pack my lunch each day. other than the gang at work going out for a (free) lunch today, i made it! i like the feeling of accomplishment ...

check out my hot new boyfriend ...

2009-06-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

sexy, isn't he?

i must confess, though, i am counting the days until we fight and have our first break up. there are sure to be be many, but don't worry - i am certain we will always get back together. cause, really, he has my best interests at heart and only wants me to be happy.

how did i meet him, you ask? well ... my nutritionist set us up! i know! a set up!?! but it isn't a blind date or anything - i mean, i have seen him around a lot - since junior high in fact! he was a little geeky then, but i knew he would grow up to be hip, cool, and well balanced. (and honestly, when you are an emotional eater, you really need your bf to be well balanced.) i don't think he will be great to go on vacation with, and i probably won't spend every holiday with him, but i know he will support me through daily life. sigh. he is a dreamboat.

don't worry, i will still keep being friends with my pals "journal" and "pedometer" - my bf isn't the kind to come between me them. and they think he is great! especially journal, she excited to see the way her and my friendship will improve when the bf comes along to play. i suspect there will be a lot of double dating - me & the bf, journ & ped ... of course, we will usually stay in, cause my bf is all about eating out as little as possible.

the nicest part about this new relationship? we can take it slow. my nutritionist says that eventually i will want the same things the bf does, but until then, we can do a little give and take. as in: he can give me a break and i can take a kit kat!

i know, i know, every new relationship starts out all lovey-dovey, but i really think this one will only improve as it grows. and who knows? i may even MARRY this one!!

to journal or not to journal ...

2009-06-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

last monday i attended a class on nutrition. it wasn't too educational for me, and in all honesty, i didn't take a single new thing from it - but i did have a couple of good experiences. one of them was that the nutritionist who taught the class looked at my food journals and chatted with me about my stress over gaining weight since starting the program and how i am certain journaling is part of the problem. guess what? she gave me permission to "take a break" from it! she said there was plenty of material for the dietitian to work with when i go to see her this friday (june 5th), and that i should just chill and relax a bit about it. i literally felt a weight fall off my shoulders ...

so i stopped journaling.

it felt WEIRD the first few days!! i would eat something and go to write it down, then remind myself i didn't need to ... and be VERY HAPPY about that! here are some of the things that have happened in the last week:

1. i have not walked as many steps since stopping tracking. this makes me sad. i have decided that even if i am not recording food, i am going to continue to record steps - to help encourage me to consistently increase the average.

2. i have eaten less junk food. it seems illogical, and yet it is true. i know, you may be thinking, "how can you tell, if you aren't journaling?" ... well, a couple of ways. first, i have bought less junk food, ergo i can't be eating more than before! and secondly ...

3. i have lost weight - 1.6 pounds to be exact. this makes me very happy.

but here is the most interesting thing ... i have come to realize that i WANT to go back to journaling! i decided i really like having that kind of awareness of what i am eating. but i am not going to stress about what it says anymore. i am simply going to do it for informational purposes - and not use it to determine if a day is "good" or "bad ... since i strongly suspect i was letting my sense of worth depend too much on what each day's intake looked like. from now on, it will be about helping myself, not recording all my mistakes.

welcome back, mr. journal ... i missed you!

walking and weighing in ...

2009-05-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

well, last week was a record breaker for me!! i averaged 4025 steps a day!! it felt great to see that number, and i am sure it is what helped counter-act the 6 days of eating out (DESPITE getting groceries!!) and allowed the scale to say 280.4 ... at least it is the correct direction for the number to go - down - even if only by 0.2 ... this past weekend was a write off ... i slept more than i was awake - and must have needed it, because i feel fabulous today! last week also saw me make a wise financial move that has alleviated some car stress for me and i am grateful for that.

basically, i am super excited for this week and hope to repeat the walking success, throw in a gym attendance and NOT EAT OUT this week ...

so, was that boring enough for you? i will try to find something witty to report - tonight is a ww class on "finding balance" ... should be good!!

generic update about "stuff" ...

2009-05-20T14:48:00.001-07:00

this week's report comes to you courtesy of eating out, reese's peanut butter cups & lots of steps on the pedometer ...

i have been doing an amazing impression of old mother hubbard for weeks now. i actually made it to the store last night and spent 45 minutes filling the cart, only to get to the checkout and realize i had left my debit card at home!!! GAH! tonight: take two ...

the scale this week was generous nonetheless and i am down to 280.6 (only 6.2 pounds to get my back to the low of last november). speaking of which - i just re-read my first post on this blog and reminded myself why i am doing this ... MY HEALTH. sheesh. how come i keep forgetting that and focus on trying to "get away" with bad habits and trick the scale?

as a result of eating out so much, i can FEEL the difference. my hair and skin are less healthy looking, and i have less energy. even my nails look unhealthy. my saving graces have been drinking all my water, taking my vitamins, getting enough sleep, and putting the pedometer to work! i was at a goal of 3000 steps a day and this week i increased it to 3100 - even though i have yet to average 3000/day in any given week! apparently i am rising to the challenge as i am at an average of 3900/day for the last 5 days and today isn't even over yet - good feeling.

about the ww program. went to a class about planning, purchasing, preparing and packing food that was aimed at encouraging us to eat food from home more than fast food whenever possible. even packaged meals brought from home are considered a better choice than fast food or sit down restaurants (due to sodium, fat content, and portion size). i am re-committing to my goal of eating fast food only 1x/wk with a sit down restaurant no more than 2x/month. i know it will help immensely.

next up: tomorrow i meet with the ww program's psychiatrist - hope he doesn't decide i am too crazy to continue!

back to the weekly updates ...

2009-05-11T12:16:00.001-07:00

happily, the scare of the scale last week got me a little in check and i am down 2.8 since then to 281.6 this morning ... i did pretty well this weekend - all things considered. mostly this week i am looking forward to following the plan i have made, as know it is a cheesy but true statement that when you work the plan, the plan works!!

just wondering, what concerns do you have about the summer? what are your triggers for the warm months that can get in the way of healthy eating and getting enough exercise? i will share mine later this week ...

just checking ...

2009-05-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

does half a bag of super nibs and 12 dad's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies count as brunch?? i really need to go grocery shopping ...

not gonna wimp out ...

2009-05-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

i really, really don't like my scale today. and it isn't because the number is (truly) the highest i have ever seen (HOW RUDE!) ... it is because i have felt so good lately! i have enjoyed the ever-increasingly-lovely weather, am sleeping very well, and am just generally HAPPY. so i am cranky that mr. scale is trying to bring me down by raising a certain number that (at times) is all-too-important to me.

284.4 ... GAH!!

it is a bizarre thing - to weigh more than ever before, yet be so happy and content at the same time. guess i wasn't joking when i said the scale doesn't determine how i feel about myself. don't misunderstand - i still want (very much) to improve my health and parts of that can only be accomplished by losing weight. but sheesh - what an annoyance!

i am going back to weekly weigh-ins - i know if i check it faithfully it has less of chance to creep up there. so, by monday, no matter what the scale says, i will have accomplished the following: hit my goals for water consumption, walking, and early to bed/early to rise!

until then ...

crazy ...

2009-05-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

i haven't stepped on the scale (officially) in a couple of weeks. i have "checked in" and not liked what i saw, so i keep putting it off (justification? i am "checking" at night and i only "officially" check in the mornings) ...

but i need to get an official number recorded - so this is me committing to tomorrow morning!!

i have a friend who has been doing the weight wise program and she told me last week they dropped her from the program - because she wasn't able to keep a food journal. like me, it stressed her out to do so and she ended up eating more! i am so in touch. but i am being diligent and writing down everything ... no matter how hard it is to see sometimes.

here is this week's painful discovery - i simply can't eat something if i don't "feel like it". this is very frustrating. i can plan healthy until i am exhausted, but if i don't FEEL like what the schedule says when i get home to make dinner, i don't make it. ARGH! even when i tell myself i need to eat something (veggies, protein, etc), if i don't want it, i can barely gag it down. this definitely needs further exploration.

of course, on the flip side, if i don't feel like chocolate, i can't eat it either ... yah, like THAT ever happens!!

overdue update ...

2009-04-27T18:46:00.001-07:00

just checking in to let everyone know i am still here. things are going well - i need to up the effort on planning ahead of time, but other than that, i am just moving forward!

life is good, hope to write more soon!!

re-dedicated ...

2009-04-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

had a wonderful time meeting the physiotherapist, and the psychologist at the clinic this week. that, combined with increased sunshine and temperatures, has really raised my energy level and helped me have a positive outlook ... for the first time in a long time.

you see, i have been on a self-sabotaging streak the last few weeks. breakfast? a few handfuls of cadbury mini-eggs. lunch? what's that? dinner? via mr. drive through. and the pedometer average has DROPPED from an average 2250 to less than 1900 a day. as a consequence, i am not sleeping very well, my nails, skin and hair feel icky, and have had a low grade headache for over 10 days. shocking, i know. treat yer body like crap, it's gonna feel like it!!

i didn't realize where it was coming from until the day before my clinic appointment. i have been telling myself that i want to avoid surgery, but the truth is, i actually WANT it. and there was this subconscious thought that if i lost weight on my own, i wouldn't be able to have it. acknowledging this has helped enormously in getting me back to taking care of myself a little better. i learned that the average person in the weight wise program will lose 10-15% of their beginning weight - and still weigh enough to qualify for surgery. why do i want the surgery you ask? well, i am not 100% sure of all my reasons, but i am going to work on figuring that out over the next little while.

while i do that, i am also going to put into practice the things i committed to in my physio appointment. using the F.I.T. principle of activity - frequency, intensity, and time (with type being a secondary "T"), i have an 8 week plan mapped out. i was told my ultimate goal is to get in 45 minutes of moderate intensity exercise 5 times a week. i am starting with 20 minutes at low intensity 3 times a week. this is broken into 1 time at the gym - doing whatever, and 2 times just walking (broken into two sessions of 10 minutes each). this plan reflects the fact that my ankle and knee are still in a healing phase. hopefully at my next appointment, i will have accomplished the goal. this situation has reminded me that i am a deadline driven gal and knowing i have a specific goal in mind is very inspiring!

other than that, i am determined to make the most of the next few weeks of milder weather and get outside more. i need all the vitamin D i can get!

oh yeah, one more thing. when i mentioned that the plan the physio guy and i came up with was labeled "not enough" by the infamous dr. xyz, he said ultimately she was right, but that she presented it poorly. i wish i could share body language. his clearly said, "you aren't the first to have a complaint, and, while i need to support my inter-disciplinary team member, i hear what you are saying." made me feel much better.

your turn - what is your exercise routine ... either actual, or ideal!?

ps: i am supposed to find a partner in crime ... anyone wanna go for a walk??

today's rant: dr "xyz" has to go ...

2009-04-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

ok. i just got back from my ww clinic appointment and my first "encounter" with the idiot doctor i was warned about. i thought i was prepared, but nothing can prepare you for someone like that! i will NOT see her again. and, once i calm down, i will be writing a letter of complaint. issues that must be vented about:

1. you can't finish a sentence with her - she tells you what the answer to her question is before you get to say it & she is often WRONG in her answer! example:

dr: are your parents overweight?
me: my mom was, but she had gastric bypass about ...
dr: then yes. what about your father?
me: he has a beer belly (ha ha) but he isn't ...
dr: so, yes he is overweight.
me: no, not really he ...
dr: do you ever make yourself throw up?
me: what? no!
dr: do you ever think of doing harm to yourself?

at this point i gave up and said, "yes, daily. that is why i came here to meet with you - because i LIKE TO PUNISH MYSELF BY SPENDING TIME WITH DOCTORS WHO DON'T LISTEN!!!"

ok. i didn't really say that, but come on!?!

2. she asked me to do an ADHD questionnaire and then proceeded to dictate her notes about me while i was trying to read the questions!?!?!?! HELLO!?!?! i had to plug my ears to be able to focus, so she finally says, "i will go next door and finish this." uh. duh? there are sooooooo many things wrong with this. a) if i have ADHD, why oh why would you distract me when testing me for it!?! and b) i do believe our appointment time was meant to be spent TALKING TO ME - not to get ahead of your paper work by dictating our conversation BEFORE IT IS OVER!

gee. am i upset? hmmm ... maybe just a little.

3. when discussing my physical activity and how i am trying to move more and go to the gym once a week and up my average daily steps to 3000 (from the current average of 2250), she said, "you are young. you should aim for more activity." when i responded that since i was doing NOTHING right now, once a week at the gym would be a huge improvement and that while i aim for more, i need to set goals i can be successful at so as not to become discouraged, she says, "so, do you find motivation to exercise is a problem?" ... WHAT? pardon my french, but NO SHOOT SHERLOCK! do you really think i would be a couch potato if i had motivation to be active!?!?!

4. when i mentioned that i had set a goal to do the MS walk in may, with some girls i met through a module (hi girls!), and that we were starting a trend of going for lunch once a month with a walk afterwards, she cuts me off to ask, "how often do you eat out? is eating out a problem for you?" ... umm? problem? someone cooks and cleans for me? where is the problem in that?? but i said that i try to eat out once a week for fast food and at a sit down restaurant no more than twice a month. she said i should limit the fast food to less than that. DUH? REALLY? I. HAD. NO. IDEA! at which point i told her to take her self-righteous-no-concept-of-how-to-deal-with-eating-issues-attitude and shove it up her (BLEEP). ok. i didn't really - but i wanted to! instead i told her that since i currently average eating fast food 3-5 times a week, reducing it to once a week would be a big step forward for me. and i felt good about setting a realistic goal. who knows how that translates into her notes about me??

5. and finally (this is the one that ensures i will be writing a letter of complaint), when i didn't immediately agree to set higher exercise goals and reduce my eating out to less than once a week, she pulled out the "well, you won't be in this program forever, you know. it is for only about a year so you need to work harder." EXCUSE ME? was that a THREAT i heard? sure felt like one.

oh yah, and she asked if i was interested in surgery, and i when i said i am if i am not able to lose without it, she said, "so you're not interested." no matter how many times i said YES I WAS, she still dictated in her little machine that "patient is unsure of whether or not she will have surgery."

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the letter will be written, oh yes it will!! and i will NEVER see her again.

ok. i am done for now. thanks for reading ...

weekly report #21 ...

2009-04-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

sad news all around ... been sick for awhile and totally (unwisely) used that as an excuse to eat poorly, not exercise, and just generally "scrape by" instead of progressing. then, i had a crummy time at the weight wise (ww) clinic and some bad news re: my income tax refund (since i was a canadian resident for only 1/4 of 2007, my exemption amount was reduced - reducing my refund by $500 - gah!).

thus it is i find myself at 276.8 - highest i have been this year!! but, this is a wake up call. really! i just reminded a friend of a lesson i learned a few years ago. most people (translation: those without food/eating issues) will gain weight on vacation, over the holidays, or when a high stress event occurs (death in the family, or something similar). the difference between those people and me is they put themselves on track to eliminate those extra pounds, whereas i leave it as another layer on the overweight cake. NOT THIS TIME! i am going back to the ww clinic on april 16th and i plan to have lost the 4 pounds i have gained since february 10th. i know it is possible, i just need to make it probable.

key tools: get the pedometer steps over 3000 EVERY DAY, eat 5 servings fruits/veggies, and get to bed at a decent time every night. oh wait, you mean you are going to healthy things, cath?? yup. that's what i mean.

note: this does not mean i won't have some easter candy, too ... i will just avoid the family size bag of cadbury mini eggs and limit the number of reese's pb eggs. really!

weekly report #20 ...

2009-03-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

here goes: last week i was up to 277.2 ... i know, it isn't the end of the world, but for some reason i just couldn't face it. this week, i am back down to 274.8 and since it is below the magical "5" rule, i am happy. when a number ends in a multiple of 5 it is just so much harder to bear. kind of like the way they charge $9.99 because no one will realize it is actually $10 they are parting with??

anyway ... what a fabulous/horrible week it was. the eating poorly continued, but the emotional part of me was nurtured a lot and i find myself quite chipper this monday - go figure! i was able to go visit two of my dearest friends in red deer and take a 3 day weekend in the process. i slept more than i thought possible and woke up without being fatigued this morning - what a gift that is ... i had forgotten what it felt like.

then, on saturday, i went for lunch and a looooooong visit with some ladies i met at the weight wise "craving change" class - all five of us are about as different as can be, and yet we had so much in common and it was amazing to spend a few hours with them.

i have my next appointments at the clinic this week and am excited to take the next steps on this journey. until then, please note that i have started on the right note this week and ate breakfast and lunch and having every intention of continuing the trend ...

weekly report #19 ...

2009-03-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

i spent a wonderful day with a good friend this past weekend and she made me blush when she said i was brave for putting everything down in here, including what the scale says. so, just to prove her wrong (smiles), i am not writing it this week. i will tell you next week what this week's number was, but the truth is that today i am not feeling very brave at all. i am feeling very overwhelmed. work, home, family, and everything else that is a normal stress has been increased exponentially by financial woes. which in turn leads to 1500 calories in one junk food session (plus a couple more of those within a far too short time span).

grrrrr. i have long loved the saying, "knowing what i know, why do i do what i do?" ... i will let you know if i ever get an answer. so far the closest i have come is admitting that i must not REALLY know it, or i would behave differently.

i have been on a serious debt reduction schedule for about 18 months now (which is pretty funny considering i have only been employed full time for 6 of those months). now, i will admit i negotiated some sweet interest reduction deals and got a few dollars shaved off some of the debts, but the bottom line is that i have been able to reduce the debt by over $12K in that time. i know, some of you are saying, you mean there is still debt left over after that!?!? and all i can do is hang my head and say, "yup. lots more."

as i engaged in the battle to massacre the debt, and as i seriously address my food addiction, i have had to face some hard truths. first and foremost: i am lazy. and it doesn't look like that is going to change anytime soon. which means i need to work smarter if i won't work harder.

but it also means i am living on the fiscal edge. RIGHT on the fiscal edge. and when i miscalculate my budget (which happens when i try and "juggle" things to cover my slips into over-expenditure-land), i end up very stressed about money. all the bills are paid. but there is no wiggle room. and when i get stressed, what do i want to do? that's right - eat! nasty, vicious cycle!!

it is going to be a very educational week.

*ps - good friend from saturday: i have NO buyers remorse for our adventure filled day! i was budgeted and planned for!! it was OTHER stuff i fogot ... (smiles)

weekly report #17 & 18 (aka february sucks) ...

2009-03-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

with all the other writing i did, i thought i would give the update a break last week ... but i am down 0.8 ... to a (very) round 275 now. my next clinic appointment is in a few weeks, and i am looking forward to moving downward after that. these past six weeks have been about getting a snapshot of what my "regular" life is - a base measurement. after i meet with the dietician/nutritionist, and sincere implementation of the behaviour modification skills learned at craving change begins, i hope to see some improvement in eating habits, an increase in movement and the general feeling of excitement that accompanies any new adventure.

whilst i can not pinpoint any reason i would be stressed/depressed, my habits are all pointing in that direction ... insomnia one night, oversleeping the next, low desire to socialize, and immense feelings of inadequacy have been dogging my heels for weeks now. i suspect there are a variety of reasons for this. first and foremost (and i forget this every year), but february is a ROUGH month!! it may be short, but it is rarely sweet. the fact that mother nature has decided to give february an encore in the form of another 279 feet of snow and windchill of -73 degrees celcius this past week does not help.

but the only thing that really matters is that i have become aware of it and now need to take action to resolve it before it overtakes my peace of mind completely.

first step: go to bed tonight and rest even if i can't sleep
second step: go for a walk tomorrow
third step: wear flip flops around the house to try and trick my mind into thinking i am in LA ...
fourth step: plan trip to LA to get my stuff out of storage, so i have something to look forward to!!

still to come: final craving change class & building a network of support ...

the change buffet (part 1) ...

2009-03-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

now, a word about options, tools, tricks, and devious methods to curb cravings ... the watchword is DISTRACTION!!

part 2 shared the following possible methods of stopping the obsessive train of thought that says, "i must eat 472 kit kats NOW" and replacing it with, "i deserve a better treat than food." in a lame attempt to appeal to our food addiction (duh!) they call it "the change buffet" - and it has 10 selections to choose from. you can mix and match, focus on one, completely abstain from another ... whatever you discover works for you.

1. nurture yourself - instead of using food to make you feel better (then worse, then better, then worse ...), take care of yourself in other ways that fill you up! bubble baths, reading a good book, crafting, visiting with friends, foot massage, etc, etc ... find something you enjoy and let it replace the mindless snacking. we talk a lot about comfort food, but there are lots of other ways to comfort ourselves

2. the 80/20 rule - perfectionists rarely succeed at weight loss as long as they expect to be PERFECT about it. i experienced this when i did weight watchers the first time. for THREE MONTHS i stayed withing my points! not once did i go over! i still ate yummy food, but i was perfectly within my range! ... then i had a birthday. with cake. lots and lots of cake. but i also spent that time walking around vegas - so i ended up losing weight even though i BROKE THE RULES. all motivation to be perfect fled and the pounds that had run away crawled back on. if i couldn't be perfect, why bother? well, the 80/20 rule says if you eat appropriately 80% of the time, and go a little less ideally 20% of the time YOU ARE STILL PERFECTLY FINE! i like this one. i want to implement it. unfortunately, for some reason i have reversed the two the last week or so - and am eating poorly 80% and healthily 20% ... ack! but i do have high hopes for long term success as i learn to utilize this tool.

3. stop unwanted thoughts (aka - the rubber band principle) - the average person makes 200 (TWO HUNDRED) decisions a day about food. after the thought, "eat that cake" happens for the 49th time, you are more likely to give into it. this tool is very active. it starts with you sitting and thinking and when problem eating thoughts enter your mind, you stand up, clap your hands, and shout STOP! i know. you look like a dork when you do it. but hey, being more than 100 pounds overweight looks pretty dorky too! and you do this by yourself anyway. eventually, as you practice this mental exercise you reach a point where all you have to do is shout "stop!" inside your head and it can get rid of the thought. sometimes all it takes is a reminder to change train tracks that prevents you from derailing. some people use a rubber band and any time they start to think something they don't wish to, they snap the band on their arm and it distracts them just as effectively. i am not enough of a masochistic to try this one yet. besides, if the average person makes 200 food decisions a day, i must make 2 THOUSAND and that is a lot of band snappage ...

4. distract yourself - if you can find other things to do besides eat, the crave wave* will often pass and you will be able to refrain from engaging in problematic eating. my difficulty with this one is it feels like saying, "whatever you do - don't think about the word hippopotamus!!" ... of course, all you can think about that dang hippo. suggested activities are ones that require your hands to be busy - knitting, writing (see #6), going for a walk, talking to a friend - anything that will get you focused on something else!! i suspect this is especially an important tool when eating because you are bored!

5. manage your stress - "it's not what you eat, it's what's eating you" ... and, if you handle the issues in your life, you don't need to stuff your feelings by stuffing your stomach. stress management classes, yoga, meditation, and other activities that you engage in BEFORE the problem eating triggers arise will help make your default response appropriate (deep breathing, stepping away from the situation, counting to 10, journaling, etc.). this is preferable to having your default response to stress involve mr. cake, ms. banana cream pie or chester cheeto and his bags of sin. just saying.

6. journal - this blog is one type of journaling i do. recording everything i eat is also a tool (a frequently depressing one, but a tool nonetheless!). i also keep an anger journal that is often indecipherable and is ripped up and thrown out before anyone can read it. i like the catharsis of venting and this method helps avoid dumping on friends, putting something on your blog that everyone can see FOR-EV-ER and/or professional suicide by curling up in a ball under your desk while eating sugar cubes and mumbling, "iron the cat under the moon after meeting mr. sprocket ..." - or something equally apt to verify your status as a psycho.

7. put it on hold (like a customer service phone line!!) - i like this one. mostly because in the beginning they only ask you to put it on hold for 30 seconds!!! "i want a kit kat. but i am going to put that desire on hold in order to prove that i control food and it doesn't control me. and the amount of time it took to tell myself this was 30 seconds, so now i can have it!" of course, the goal is to lengthen the amount of time you delay eating in a problematic way. as with distraction, this allows you to ride the crave wave and, at least occasionally, eliminate the pressing need to eat.

8. ambush your triggers - i mentioned trigger = response in an earlier post, but this tool helps you identify your triggers and either eliminate them or reprogram your reaction to them. things like "recreational" "boredom" or "procrastination" eating can all be turned to your advantage with (a lot of) effort. determine when you are most susceptible to problematic eating and find ways to alter the environment. some examples include: taping TV shows and watching them without commercials so you are less likely to get up and graze during the breaks or putting away leftovers right away so they are not there to tempt you later in the evening.

9. assert yourself (yah, like i need to be encouraged to do this!?) - apparently there are people who don't stand up for themselves and when they feel oppressed, they eat. i really don't feel this happens too much with me, but i am on guard to it now. and for those who do have this challenge, the advice is to "use your mouth to speak, not to eat." i think a lot of nurturers fall into this trap - they say yes, when they want to say no, and once they are overextended, or frustrated at feeling like they are the "only ones doing anything" food becomes an escape, or a companion in misery. mostly, this one is about practice - practice saying no when you can't take on another thing ... and DON'T feel guilty about it!!

10. solve your problems effectively - this builds on the others, but there is a seven step process they outline - because sometimes when there is a problem facing us, we get paralyzed.

1. identify what the problem really is
2. brainstorm as many possible solutions as you can - ask for help if you can't see multiple solutions
3. choose to attempt one possible solution at a time
4. reflect on what you did (how many times you tried it, etc)
5. describe what the outcome was
6. if it worked, continue with the solution / if it didn't work, choose another item from #2
7. with the additional information, revisit #1 - did you accurately define the problem, or have you discovered it is something different? if so, restate it and start again with step #2

well, that was enough reading for about a month, right?? i will be back with the information on the final class soon.

until then, if you have tried any of these, or have any questions, please share in the comments!

* the crave wave is the period of time when a craving (for whatever reason) builds and builds - like all waves it eventually abates and if you can avoid giving in to the urge when it is strongest, you can sometimes avoid the problem eating episode entirely

assessing the assessor ...

2009-02-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

here is my second to last post intended to get me "caught up" before i start on my last "craving change" class this afternoon ...

after experiencing the joy of a flat tire on my way to the assessment appointment, i arrived to find the weighting (ha ha) room full and the nurses busy, busy, busy. good to know if we are waiting over a year to get in at least they are legitimately doing stuff!

i met with an RN for over an hour and we talked about my upbringing, what i knew about exercise, nutrition and how i handle certain situations - as well as what i was learning in the "craving change" class. she was easy to talk to and listened well (always nice to encounter in a health care professional!) ... so i was very open with her about lots of stuff (ugh) and left there feeling i had made a partner in my journey - not someone who felt she had all the answers and i just needed to do what she told me.

each person's "care plan" is unique but contains the same elements: visits with the RN, an MD, physiotherapist, psychologist, and dietitian/nutritionist as well as attending modules/classes. the RN recommended i see the psychologist early on as the "emotional eating" support group might be good for me and i needed to be referred to attend that. my plan includes the following:

*follow up appointment in 6 weeks
*meet with the psychologist, physiotherapist, and the MD
*get (and use everyday) a pedometer
*get a full body scan
*have a BAZILLION blood tests done
*keep a food journal (because i already am doing this, she said i wouldn't see the nutritionist until after our next visit)

i have done everything except the blood work and that is this saturday morning.

i feel, for lack of a better word, proud that i am doing the things asked of me, and that i am - as my regular doctor said - being the right kind of patient. i am taking responsibility for my illness and heeding the counsel of my medical partners. there has been a lot of talk in the media about people needing to stop being merely patients and becoming consumers of health care. it is like a hermes birkin bag - there are waiting lists for this bag that are ridiculous! and when people get them, they treasure them like they were their children! shouldn't i do the same with my health care?? yeah me!!!

weekly report #15 & #16 ...

2009-02-24T13:35:00.000-08:00

two for the price of one! gee, that's a phrase that gets us food addicts in trouble, isn't it!?! luckily this refers to two weekly updates, not DQ peanut buster parfaits (yuuummmmm) ...

i am down 1 pound for the last two weeks, and really, considering the runaway train i have been on i am amazed. my body needs a break from this insanity ... it is CRAVING healthy food and i have to eat very poorly before it does something that drastic, so ... time to curb the cravings. or kick them to the curb. or something like that.

2 kit kats before 10am this morning. and that is merely one step on this descent into eating insanity. too many trips to tim hortons for 10 or 20 timbits, a chocolate cake baked then eaten in 3 days ... and, and, and ...

new rule number one: eat breakfast!! for crying out loud, how many times do i have to tell myself this before i really, truly get it? if i eat breakfast, i don't go anywhere near as off track as i do when don't! and when i drink a full glass of water before leaving the house, the chances of a crash & burn that day are lowered by a statistically proven 89.7% (did you know that 67% of all statistics are made up on the spot?) ... but you get my point. breakfast of choice? a piece of fruit, some kashi go lean cereal (very high in protein and fibre so i feel full) with chocolate milk (so i can gag down the twigs called cereal).

also high on the list of priorities? developing a close, personal relationship with the treadmill in the gym at work. having this pedometer tell me i have walked 7.3 steps all day is embarrassing (okay, it was actually 8 - it doesn't count partial steps) ...

part 3 of craving change is on thursday, but i hope to get part 2 summarized and a report on the assessment in before that ... so, until tomorrow ... (after breakfast, of course!)

body scan ...

2009-02-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

yesterday, as one of the things i needed to do for the program, i had a full body scan. it was an interesting experience and i learned a lot about myself! including the fact that my bones weigh less than 5 pounds!! yes! it is true! as for the rest of my weight, it is pretty much evenly distributed between muscle and fat ... i have 51% body fat. how gross is that!?!? the healthy range is 22%-25% with 12% being the lowest possible amount before serious health problems arise. so, even if i lose some muscle, to maintain a healthy ratio, i will still weigh more than i thought i would. weird.

the report i received when i left the doctor's broke down EVERYTHING ... left leg (smaller area and weight than), right leg, as well as left arm, right arm, torso, and HEAD (which contains a healthy 21% of fat). very, very, cool. not so cool? the picture ... bone was a bright white, muscle a little lighter white surrounding the bones, and fat - a pale, but HUGE bubble around all the muscles. although on the positive side, it led to a mental image of erasing that bubble and that felt really good.

other interesting things i noticed included the "bump" of calcification i could see where i broke the left leg, another where i broke the right ankle, and learning that my bone density is only very slightly below normal (with two osteoporosis-prone parents, this was good news).

if i can get the guts up, i will scan the picture and put it up ... until then, just trust me - i have a very pretty skeleton!!

triggering, responding & s.t.o.p-ping ...

2009-02-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

here are the last two items i wanted to cover from part 1 of craving change before moving onto part 2 and my assessment meeting ...

trigger = response ... while this may seem obvious by definition, it is amazing what you discover when you take the time to really ponder it and watch for it in your own life. what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of going to the movies (besides will i find a close parking spot)? a large majority of people say "popcorn" - because we have been conditioned for years to equate going to the movies with having popcorn. we all have a variety of triggers like this.

i have always had a "treat" after a meal so i don't feel done eating until i have it. even if i am full, i have to have a little "something" to mark the end of the meal. i can retrain myself (tools for doing so will be forthcoming in my summary of part 2), or i can continue to let habit dictate my choices. the truth is, if i only had the one treat after meals, i would be just fine. it is the treat after the meal followed by many more treats that pose the real problem!

another trigger is anything stressful, ego bruising, or exhilarating - food is my "go to" for all emotions. flat tire? eat three chocolate bars. long, stressful meeting at work? eat half the timbits left on the treat tower.* someone lets me down? mix up a chocolate cake and eat the batter. i let myself down? eat the container of frosting that was supposed to go with the cake! wait! something good happened?? let's go out for dinner to celebrate!

perhaps my biggest trigger is the connection i put between "friendship" or "being grown up" and eating out ... growing up, the happiest i saw my mom was when she was having dinner with friends and it seemed that making plans for dinner was the epitome of being grown up and having a good time. i don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with enjoying the company of friends while eating out, i suspect my challenge is that i use eating out to feel better, rather than as a social event or to get nourishment. this leads to me eating out far too often by myself - and not just fast food, which in turn leads to financial irresponsibility.

as i move forward with tools discussed in part 2, and stick to the budget i have implemented, i think the last one will begin to be resolved, but i am going to have to think some more about the triggers i see and how to change my response ... 'cause i ain't no pavlovian dog!

s.t.o.p - no, it is not a simplistic thing to tell myself in order to avoid eating in a problematic way (this is the terminology they use - it avoids labels of "good" or "bad"). rather, it is something to consider before i eat, and is based on the h.a.l.t principle. h.a.l.t. stands for "hungry, angry, lonely, or tired" - all of which are negative reasons for eating. since we were encouraged to come up with our own terms that have meaning to us, i chose s.t.o.p. which stands for "stressed, tired, obsessing, or perfect". when i am stressed or tired i am much more likely to eat randomly or thoughtlessly. another problem i have (connected to mouth hunger) is that once i think of a certain food i OBSESS over it until i indulge so it seemed wise to become more aware of the times i am giving in to that obsession - especially if i don't really want to eat that thing. lastly, perfect represents two things: first, that i am eating for the right reason, hunger, and that it is safe to proceed; secondly, that somehow i have failed to live up to my (unrealistic) expectations for myself and the food is being used to comfort (or punish) me when failing to be perfect. ouch, hunh?

okay - go forth and ponder these gems and share your own! specifically, what are your triggers and responses?? please share in the comments ...

*"treat tower" is what i call the filing cabinet that people put their sweet offerings on when they bring something to share with the gals in the office ... now that i can't see the treat tower from my office, i am much less prone to scale it in search of goodies.

heart hunger & the flat tire ...

2009-02-18T09:52:00.000-08:00

last december, i had a flat tire. this february, i had another one. during the last one, my friend jodi saved my bacon and put on my spare (which ended up going flat as well ... sheesh). for this one i used my new AMA account and a nice guy came and put air in it until i could get it fixed. no biggie, right?

wrong. it became the quintessential object lesson for me and my heart hunger eating habits. the flat tire happened on my way to the weight wise clinic assessment (stress!). the one i have waited almost a year and a half to get (major stress!). and i was parked in front of a mac's convenience store(danger, will robinson!)! i ended up buying 4 chocolate bars and eating 3 of them before the AMA guy showed up. but that isn't the surprising part ... rather it was realizing that i FELT BETTER after eating them. genuinely better. more relaxed, happier, content, mellow. and i continued to feel that way right up until the nurse doing my assessment appointment started asking hard questions and my blood pressure literally went up ... turns out it is emotionally draining to discuss emotional eating.

one of our homework assignments from the craving change class was to record how we felt BEFORE we ate in a problematic way, how we felt FIVE MINUTES later and how we felt 30 MINUTES LATER. again, i was amazed at what i learned by doing this! the way i thought i would feel before eating (stressed, anxious, excited, sad) were represented, but so were hurt, scared, dismissed, inadequate, resentful, unproductive, mad and defensive. but it was the way i felt AFTER that shocked me the most. one time, at the half hour mark, i felt unattractive and one time i felt empty. every other time, i felt comforted, relieved, happy, and (frequently) relaxed. wow. guess i really am getting something from food.

turns out my heart is a lot hungrier than i realized.

luckily, they didn't leave us there, but session 2 provided some methods for handling the emotions and suggestions on "feeding my heart without going through my mouth ..."

stomach, mouth and heart hunger ...

2009-02-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

things have been crazy lately - so i am just now getting to post about some things learned in session one (and i still have session two and my assessment to write about!) ...

allow me to preface this by saying how stressed i am by all this weight related stuff right now. i am keeping a food journal about everything i eat, when i eat it, how i feel about it, what activities i am doing, how i feel about them, and i am wearing a pedometer everywhere i go - so i am trying to make myself walk more in order to avoid looking too dang lazy ... AND i have decided i need to start dating again. i may have to rethink that last one. but can you IMAGINE the awesome stories i would be able to blog about if i threw myself into the dating pool???

but i digress.

apparently, this stress is normal and all part of the learning curve i am going through, so i have cut myself some slack and went ahead and bought the box of the "100 calorie" version of jos. louis' at walmart (yes, the walmart i swore i would never set foot in again) ... do you have any idea how SMALL those suckers are?? roughly the size of my FINGER. gives new meaning to the phrase "the first bite and the last bite are the best" - they better be, since they are the ONLY bites you are going to get!!

there i go digressing again ...

stomach, mouth, heart hunger - this was an "a-ha!" moment to me. i knew i was an "emotional" eater but i didn't have as many tools for addressing this fact before i started this seminar. stomach hunger is the good kind - your body is hungry, and in need of nourishment. mouth hunger is when you have to have a certain SOMETHING ... it is about the taste, the texture, the smell, the indescribable something that makes it the only thing that will satisfy you. and heart hunger is when you have a feeling that can only be dealt with through consumption of food (celebrating? get a cake! bad day at work? eat 4 big macs! bored, sad, hurt, tired, angry? bring on the chips, chocolate, candy, bread, cheese, etc, etc ... )

after our discussion about these, i was sure that mouth hunger was my biggest challenge - because when i want food (and i am not hungry) it has to be a certain something ... not just anything will do. and it cycles around. in the past, it has been crispy crunch chocolate bars, ice cream, or pudding. the last few months it has been KIT KATS!! i just can't get enough of the dang things ... i love to bite the stick in half, fold it over in my mouth and let the chocolate start to melt, then crunch it all up so the wafers and chocolate mix and then let it melt a little more, then chomp it down. yup. THAT is mouth hunger. another example? a friend mentioned wanting potato chips and suddenly i NEEDED them. and i don't even LIKE them that much! but i could feel myself letting the chip sit on my tongue, the seasonings melting off it and then crunching into it. and you probably thought talking too much was the main problem with my mouth ...

however, it turns out heart hunger is just as much a problem. this is addressed in the post "heart hunger & the flat tire ..." so i won't detail it here.

it has been a revelatory couple of weeks - having a label for what i am doing WHEN i am doing it is amazing. it hasn't resulted in a miraculous and drastic change, but it is sinking in and affecting how i think and how i feel - which, as we know, affects what i eat!!

weekly report #14 ...

2009-02-09T14:39:00.000-08:00

up another 0.4 - but i am okey dokey with that ... still keeping the food journal, getting the vitamin in and am focused on health-i-fying my life. (yes, that is a word in my world)

more stories tomorrow after my first assessment at the weight wise clinic ...

exceeding expectations ...

2009-02-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

"you have told us you don't want to be told how to eat healthily; that you already know how to - what you need is help in actually being ABLE to do so ..." this was what i heard first thing when i went to "craving change" yesterday - HALLA-FRICKIN-LOO-YA!! what a great day! what an encouraging, uplifting and positive experience! i am excited for part 2 and 3 ...

a couple of things i heard yesterday:
*bingeing: always involves feelings of guilt after the eating; happens when your body is not legitimately hungry; and often involves food you wouldn't eat normally
*there are 3 kinds of hunger: stomach, mouth and heart
*there are a bazillion reasons why obesity is more of a problem these days than ever before

how this applies to me:
*i learned that i often overeat, but i rarely binge
*while i have struggles with heart hunger, and with appropriately meeting stomach hunger's needs, my main downfall is mouth hunger - needing a certain taste, texture, SOMETHING in my mouth
*conditioning plays a much bigger role in my eating disorder than i knew!

there are a few activities that we went through that helped me have a couple of "a-ha!" moments and i am excited to review them and make some plans for combatting them. between now and next thursday, i want to write a little about the following four subjects:

1. stomach, mouth and heart hunger
2. trigger = response
3. H.A.L.T./S.T.O.P
4. emotions tied to eating

i really liked the group of people i met with and am looking forward to more learning (and application) in the weeks to come ...

weekly report #13 ...

2009-02-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

surprisingly, with all the damage i did last week, i only went up a bit - 276 now. not unhappy with that, all things considered.

the weekend was a good one. i ate healthy stuff because i really did listen to my body! i rested and while i didn't accomplish all i would have liked to, i have no complaints about what was done.

i now have 2 weeks of getting the vitamin in every day and look forward to another week of doing so ... yoga only happened once last week and it will be the same this week as i am traveling for work tomorrow.

main goal for the week: not stress about food ...
secondary goal: plan a menu for a 3 weeks instead of just a week at a time ...

tough/great week ...

2009-01-30T15:36:00.000-08:00

i don't know why, but this week's food journal reads like a grocery shopping list created by a 6 year who gets to plan meals for the first time ever:

*oreo cookies (lots)

*kit kat bars (a few)

*jo louis cakes (more than a couple)

*ice cream & chocolate sauce (LOTS - thank heaven for mild lactose intolerance that ended that binge!)

*nanaimo bar (sneaked from the leftovers of the party at work last night)

*alphagettis (straight from the can - no heating allowed!)

*mac & cheese w/ tuna

*box of smarties

*all dressed potato chips

*snickers bar

NASTY! and, i must confess, i do not see this ending anytime soon. i have a strong suspicion that all the FOCUSING i am doing on my weight is playing a large part. also, being at the end of the paycheque didn't help with stocking healthy stuff in the house. mostly, every time i think about eating properly or exercising, i do not pass go, do not collect $200, but head straight to chocolateville.

for some reason i think this blog should be full of ***SUCCESS*** ***GREAT ADVICE*** ***UPLIFTING ENCOURAGEMENT*** ... but right now, when it comes to weight, that ain't where i am at! thus, the inclination is to avoid writing anything - but that ain't me either!

so, what do i want to say about the matter today?

even though the food journal is less than stellar, and the ability to control consumption is lacking, it has been a fabulous week! i got a lot accomplished at work, home, personal goals, and i was HAPPY all week long! my eating addiction does not stop me from being happy. is there any hope for me to overcome it when i can still be content without changing??

i sure hope so. because:

1. i prefer to have any challenges in my life be external, not internally based;

2. i don't like feeling run down after a week of unhealthy eating;

3. i hate having a cranky tummy because of poor food choices;

4. want to look forward to getting dressed on casual friday - not worry about how long it will take for the just-washed-jeans to stretch a little; and

5. i wasn't happy when i couldn't get into half the yoga poses last night, and couldn't breath when in the half i could do!! FRUSTRATING.

i am aware that losing weight will not "fix" the things that could do with fixing in my life, or myself for that matter. but i do know that i need to lose weight so i can be around long enough to work on the fixing!!

for this weekend, i am going to listen to my body and eat what IT wants, not what my emotions are craving; i am going to sleep enough but not too much, and i am going look forward to starting my first "weight wise" module "craving change" next week (and NOT worry-about-it-not-making-any-difference-because-nothing-can-make-a-difference) ... and right now? right now i am going and getting a massage - where i plan to meditate and relax to my heart's content.

weekly report #12 ...

2009-01-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

only good news to report this week ... thank goodness!

i am down to 274.0 (that is from 275.2 as i last reported) and i was able to get in a vitamin EVERYDAY last week! i didn't get yoga in, as the class was cancelled on tuesday and i had to stay late at work on thursday, but i did add some extra stairs and spent some quality time pondering to balance out that lack of focused meditation that comes at the end of yoga.

challenges this week: a fair amount of work stress and evenings full of commitments
goals for this week: vitamin everyday (until we get 4 weeks done, i am making it a goal), yoga 2x, and keep food journal in real time (not the next day when i am merely "remembering")

weekly report #11 (aka: the slippery slope) ...

2009-01-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

the principle of the "slippery slope" is so very true. for some reason i have had a mental block about eating properly these past two weeks and they culminated in a donut fest on friday night. not sure where the trigger was in the week, but i know - from reviewing my food journal - that once the descent started it was nigh impossible to stop it.

i knew a guy many years ago who used the "slide" philosophy about making out. he said you could "ride the slide" as long as you don't "fall off the end" ... when riding a slide, how often do you NOT go off the end!?!? isn't that the whole point of climbing all those stairs in the first place? to get the rush of the ride and those few seconds of being airborne?? i don't know about you, but i am not interested in doing the work required to stop myself before i fly off the end and then struggle back UP the slide, only to climb back down the stairs!?!?! as if!

but that is exactly what i am doing every time i have a donut/cake/brownie (insert baked good of choice). I CAN NOT STOP. it is hard to stop eating ice cream, but i do have a decent built-in cut off point. ditto for chocolate bars, candy and a variety of other sweets. but not baking ... i can eat a whole mccain deep and delicious cake ALL BY MYSELF! the current episode started with the tim-bit (donut hole for the non-canadians) i grabbed when i went from my office to the printer, and then became ELEVEN (11) before the end of the day ( i love my coworkers, but the treats they bring are never-ending!). the evening found me volunteering for a non-profit until 2am and noshing on the donuts brought for the volunteers ... i had at least 4 of them! that makes it the equivalent of 7+ donuts for ONE day - plus a piece of chocolate mousse cake!! just thinking about it makes me want to gag. so, i have climbed the slide, flown off the end, and now i need to scramble up the slippery slope and go back down the stairs!!

first step taken - i finally made it to the grocery store last night and now have fresh fruits and veggies bursting from the fridge, and all sorts of healthy options for lunches and dinners. i am seriously looking forward to eating more responsibly this week - and so is my tummy!!

as for last week's goals, i only got 1 multi-vitamin in (see why i have to set a goal??), and i made it to yoga once. (true confession: i brought the wrong t-shirt on tuesday and wasn't willing to go out with such a short top ... what a lame excuse - as if they can't already tell i am overweight!?!) goals for this week: 1) take multi-vitamin EVERY DAY, 2) attend yoga 2x this week, 3) no eating out (mon-fri)

and i plan to stay off the playground as much as possible - if i don't climb up the slide, i won't fall off the end!!

weekly report #10 ...

2009-01-13T08:08:00.000-08:00

okay. i know this is just another excuse for not going to ww, but the truth is i was out of town for a memorial service ... so i didn't make it. also, since i moved the first weekend of january, i am using a new scale and i don't like what it says. according to it, i have put on almost a pound since the beginning of november and am now 275.2 ... ugh. i was a little too proud of not gaining weight over the holidays, so that 0.8 had to mock me ... pride cometh before the fall or something?

i think i need to accept that i am not really ready to commit to ww at this time. i am wanting to make changes, but i don't think i am in a point-counting-place right now. i did, however, set goals for 2009 (see my other blog) and in there are the following health related commitments:

*take my lunch hour away from my desk and be conscious whenever eating - no mindless binges!!
*continue to do yoga 2x a week, increase walking to 1 hour a day by end of year
*maintain journal of food, activity, and emotions to help identify problem spots as well as celebrate successes

i know that these are more important lifestyle changes than point counting, but i still plan to maintain a ww's mindset ... drinking water, eating veggies & fruits, limiting "junk" food ... we shall see how this goes. depending on the results one month from now, i will know if it is working. i will continue to do weekly updates, but they will be focused on what i accomplished, instead of whether or not i weighed-in on a ww scale.

for example, despite being away from home and relying on others for meals (including AMAZING home cooking at my friend's dad's place), AND attending an emotional memorial service, i was pleased with my ability to still get some good food in me, and not overdo the treats (indulge? you bet! gorge? nope!)

past week's tempter: nanaimo bars ... i am amazed i kept it to 3!!
this week's goals: take multi-vitamin everyday and attend yoga 2x

craving change ...

2009-01-08T15:17:00.000-08:00

interestingly enough, the first course i will be taking is called "craving change" and is focused on overcoming emotional eating. how apropos!

it is a three session (6 hour) course that you attend once a week for three weeks. i am very excited for three reasons: first, it makes me feel pro-active to have signed up; second, it is right near my house (no cross city driving adventures); and third, it is a pilot program - so there is the chance to impact how it is used going forward.

so often when we emotionally eat we don't know it until it is a done deal. but even when we know we are about to/are eating something for emotional reasons, we still don't know how to prevent ourselves from doing so. i am very hopeful this program will help me learn more techniques for identifying when i am emotionally eating and throw a few weapons in my arsenal to fend off the attacks when i know they are happening.

i find it especially intriguing that i am craving change in lots of areas - not just in terms of food and activity habits, but in terms of how i live my life and the choices i make. there are so many chances everyday to make choices and while most are of little long term consequence (do i wear the blue or green shirt today?), how i make those decisions is something i want to look at and become more conscious of in the months to come. default choices, or ones made out of habit can be good (i don't need to decide everyday if i will have a cigarette because i have already decided i am never going to smoke), others could do with some improvement (setting 2 alarms and utilizing the snooze function indiscriminately).

i am not looking to completely change who i am, because i honestly like a lot about me, but i do crave improvement. luckily, that is something that is within my ability to affect.

what change do you crave?

waiting to lose weight ...

2009-01-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

obesity is a disease with no cure - only treatment. if you stop the treatment, the disease will return.

this was the most important thing i heard at the clinic i attended for the government-run weight wise program i have been waiting over 15 months to get into. i haven't been sitting back and waiting for this clinic to fix my problems and MAKE me lost weight, but i have been eager to see what they can offer in my efforts to improve health (which, in my case, absolutely involves weight loss). but i walked out as frustrated as ever and ended up visiting chocolateville in a way i haven't in WEEKS! now, logic tells me it is important to understand why this is. here are some of my thoughts:

1. it was depressing to see a room full of obese people. of course i was comparing - am i as big as her? smaller than him? how much chair is left when i sit down compared to the people next to me? (the chairs were HUGE. i couldn't reach the arm rests they were so wide - but i still filled too much of them in my opinion.)

2. i was angry at all the negativity in the room. no one was upbeat and eager to be there and work toward success - they wanted to complain about:

*how long it took to get into the program
*how hospitals have programs for anorexic and bulimic people (who are almost always young rich girls), but not fat people
*how they don't want to spend a couple hours every 6-8 weeks in meetings with a counselor
*how they had tried everything under the sun and why aren't you telling us anything new?

my (angry) thought responses were:

*it took you A LOT longer to get this overweight than it did to get in the program - suck it up!
*anorexia/bulimia are ACUTE illnesses at a certain point ... you DIE without nutrition - yes, being overweight contributes to morbidity, but not in the next 3 or 4 days!
*if losing weight isn't worth the investment of a few hours every 6-8 weeks, it ain't gonna happen, baby! you will be investing a heck of a lot of time FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE if you want this to work
*you have tried everything under the sun because there are limited ways to lose weight - and they all come back to: eat less, move more ... the reasons why you don't/can't do this are diverse and need to be addressed individually, but in the end, it comes back to the that

3. there are still a few hoops to jump through before i will be accepted into the program ... i knew this, but the reality was still a downer. it may be up to 3 more months before i know if they will put me in the program and i will get the support of this unique program.

4. sadness. it was just so sad to see those huge chairs (and know that there are some people who still wouldn't fit into them). it was sad to see a room full of people who looked so ashamed to be there. i know, i know, i may be projecting, but i don't think i was. i have moments when i am ashamed and feel like if i just had more willpower or less laziness i wouldn't have this problem, but really, i know in my heart that it isn't that simple.

and so, here we are - vented emotions, two chocolate bars and a bag of chips later - at a good starting point. there is one little light to the day ... as i wait for the go ahead to officially be in the program, i can take some of the classes they offer - and i will keep up with the ww goals and objectives (ww is the only program recommended as a tool in weight loss - interesting).

no more waiting ... or weighting!

what bingeing means to me ...

2009-01-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking about this word a lot.

the dictionary defines a binge as: 1 a: a drunken revel; b: an unrestrained and often excessive indulgence; c: an act of excessive or compulsive consumption (as of food) or 2: a social gathering

we can binge on many things - shopping, talking, eating, tv watching, sleeping ... ANYTHING can be a binge! and how it manifests in one person can be very different from another. although i have binged in all the areas mentioned above, i will focus on food for the purposes of this post.

some people call it bingeing when they focus on one food and over-indulge in it (if one is good, 14 must be GREAT!); others do the binge and purge - stuffing their bodies until it simply can not be contained and then eliminating it so they can start all over again. there are as many ways to binge as there are reasons for doing so in the first place. please share what it means to you in the comments, as i would really like to understand more on this subject.

i have discovered that for me, bingeing always revolves around unhealthy food ... i do not binge on carrots, celery or tomatoes. nor do i overeat with bread, meat, or dairy products. nope. i always go for the chocolate! cake, candy bars, ice cream ... these are my binge foods. or, if i am desperate, icing out of the jar (damn you, duncan hines!!!). i have never been able to eat a tonne of food at once, so my bingeing takes the form of eating a decent amount (volume wise - calorie/fat content wise? don't even go there) and then eating again waaaaaaaayy before my body can even think about being hungry. it is almost like maintaining a constant feeling of satiety. the question i am trying to figure out is, what is being sated?? it can't possibly be a physical hunger - that has been assuaged 10, 20, 30 bites ago. so what is it!?! i have some theories - and they are all valid possibilities. but i don't KNOW what it is ... and i suspect until i find the answer to that question, the bingeing will continue.

one of the most painful comments i have ever had about my weight (and, oh boy have there been some doozers!) was a former boss who looked at me putting my lunch together (sandwich, carrots, apple, yogurt and pudding for dessert) and said, "i don't understand. you always eat so healthy - how can you be overweight?" yes, i eat healthy. yes, i understand the need to eat balanced meals of proteins, starch, and vegetables - and i do that! i know i should drink lots of water - and i do! i know i need to take a multivitamin and exercise - and those areas have been improving exponentially the last few months.

it isn't that i don't do the RIGHT things, it is that i also do the WRONG things. i have learned that even my average and smaller sized friends have binged (4, 5, 6, or more candy bars, a whole container of ice cream (ben & jerry's sized AND the full 2litre kind!), an entire mccain deep and delicious cake, or ___________ (fill in the blank)). but somehow they have a switch that clicks way before mine does and they stop. show offs. (smiles)

that's all i have to say for the moment. but please, do share what bingeing means to you - and what your binge of choice is ... trust me, you are not the only one with that method or weapon of choice!!

weekly report #9 ...

2009-01-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

as far as excuses go, it is a good one ... i missed ww due to the move. however, excuses seem to the norm instead of the exception thus far!!

so, the at home scale shows me being up to the original starting point ... and breaking even works just dandy for me.

fyi ... i will continue the weekly updates, but i will also be adding topics to this blog - some that will be explored (vented about?) in the next little while:

1. bingeing - what IS it?
2. diet vs. lifestyle
3. "fitting" into your clothing

i hope you will feel free to comment, suggest and/or disagree - all opinions are valid here!!

not just another new year's resolution ....

2009-01-05T15:48:00.001-08:00

last november, i chose to join weight watchers ahead of the holiday season so i wouldn't find myself on january 1, 2009 with an extra 10-15 pounds to lose. it worked!! i am moving all posts from my original blog to this new one - dedicated to chronicling the efforts to stop trying to meet all my needs with food.

motto for 2009: onward and downward!!

weekly report #8 ...

2009-01-05T15:47:00.001-08:00

(december 27)

i have managed to lose another 0.6 ... although, since i only had one christmas dinner (and it was LAST sunday) it wasn't too hard to do so. i simply limited myself to only one more box of ferrero rochers. okay. full disclosure ... 2 boxes. but they were soooooo worth it!!

i will be ending the year 9 pounds lighter than i started it, so that is a good thing. i have high (or is that low?) hopes for 2009 ... "healthy and fine in 2009" is my new theme!

weekly report #7 ...

2009-01-05T15:38:00.002-08:00

(december 20)

sadly, i chose sleep over the scale again ... but i have been keeping an eye on the one at home, and according to that, i am still down a smidge. considering my considerable lack of control the past couple of weeks, such an event brings me undeserved joy! i promise myself i will be at the scale this week!!!

COMMENTS:

Lisa said...
Good for you for maintaining your loss!

weekly report #6 ...

2009-01-05T15:38:00.001-08:00

(december 13)

nothing to report ... other than my battle with the nasty bug bronchitis. more next week.

weekly report #5 ...

2009-01-05T15:36:00.000-08:00

(december 6)

i am a star!! ... it is good news i share today ... down 2.8 in 3 weeks! i worked hard the last 10 days for that, so i will gladly take it.

of course, i did crash and burn by eating an entire box of ferrero rocher ... and more. yup. the food issues still need to be tackled!!

goal this week: take my multi-vitamin everyday. oh, and get over this hideous cold. til later ...

COMMENTS:

Janine said...
Next time there's a box of rochers around, just call. I'm more than happy to help with that dilemma.Congrats! I hope the success makes you feel...successful!

Kris said...
CONGRATS! MMmmmm..Ferrero! Here's my tip (not that it counts, but it superly..is that a word...worked for my girlfriend who recently lost 5 pounds) Drink like crazy, water of course...drink until you are peeing every 5 minutes. She told me that it precipitated a banner 10pound loss in 3 weeks! Way to go girl...Big and I might be starting WW in the new year together. He doesn't know this yet..hehe.K.

Kati said...
I need your address. . . for christmas card purposes.

Texas Lisa said...
Good job!!!!!

weekly report #4 ... rather late ...

2009-01-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

(november 29)

totally spaced this!! was a bum and didn't make it to WW on saturday ... would have been UG-A-LEE if i did ...

as they say in the WW vernacular, i am "back on program" this week and am looking forward to saturday's weigh in - even if it isn't a joy-inducing low number, i am excited to get back on top of this project.

also, christmas letter is almost done - will be back babbling about something asap.

COMMENTS:

Texas Lisa said...
Seriously, you give me such great support. We will BOTH do this!!

weekly report #3 ...

2009-01-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

(november 22)

nothing to report this week as i took a week off from weighing in. a variety of factors (passing on of my beloved hamster, furbit (more reminiscences to follow), company in town, starting to come down with a cold) all combined and led to me sleeping in this morning instead of standing on the scale. however, the plan remains in force and while i slacked in terms of keeping track of what i ate, i maintained a good focus on water, veggies, and protein.more to say next week!

COMMENTS:

Lisa-Marie said...
I'm sorry about your hamster. Kim and I had a hamster growing up. It's name was Buffy. They really are kinda cute little things. (But don't tell my kids I said that. I'm not really in the market for one right now!)Keep up the good work!

weekly report #2 ...

2009-01-05T15:33:00.000-08:00

(november 15)

here is where the accountability rubber meets the road ... ACK! sadly, mr. scale informed me that i gained back 2 of the 2.4 lbs i lost last week. how rude! but, considering the crash and burn that started wednesday night and ended friday at lunch, it comes as no surprise. it is hard to explain why i derailed. there wasn't a specific event that caused me to go crazy. rather it was building up for DAYS and i finally lost the will to fight it. the weirdest part was if i had stopped after the initial crash, i would have been on track for the week as a whole. instead, i used it as an "excuse" to blow the week and "start again" after weigh-in. i know part of it was a feeling that "if i am going gain, i am going to make it worth it!" ... crazy, i know.

another lesson learned this week? i have to eat more often than i thought - if i get to actually feeling too hungry, i am far more likely to make a poor choice that is convenient over a wise choice that requires a little more patience. (yes, i know this is probably obvious to you, but it was a revelation to me.)onward and downward!!

COMMENTS:

Lisa said...
Good job picking up those boot straps. :)

Deanna said...
I can totally appreciate that.

weekly report #1 ...

2009-01-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

(november 8)

halla-frickin-loo-ya. if i wasn't reporting good news, i would have to be confessing to a binge of 72.5 kit kat bars. however, the news IS good, and there were ZERO kit kats consumed this weekend. (drum roll please) ... down 2.4 lbs. a couple more weeks like that and i might even start to like this whole thing! (smiles) ...

COMMENTS:

Kate said...
I'm glad you're pleased with your progress so far! :)PS ~ I'm returning the taggy-love ;)

Still Trying said...
Good job on skipping the Kitkats!

Kris said...
Way to go girly! I am so jealous. Seriously. HUGS!

Lauren said...
Woohoo. That is great. Good for you. Nothing like sticking to your guns to make you feel good.

Deanna said...
Way to go! Can't wait till next week.

feel free to comment ...

2009-01-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

after much debate, i have decided to go public. call it accountability or some such lofty reason, but the reality is, this is what i will be completely focused on for the next little while so i might as well "put it out there" ... i joined weight watchers (ww) last weekend. for the third time. so ... i will be losing weight. there. i said it. now you are free to make comments about my weight. if i HADN'T told you, you would have been under the rules of this post and not be welcome to ask me if i have lost weight. actually, you still won't have to ask. i will tell you! so i guess there is an accountability factor after all.

and people, when i say i am putting it out there, i mean i am really putting it out there. so many of us are embarrassed by our weight, and we won't even tell our best friends! and i know i am not the only woman who looks at other people and wonders if i look fatter than them and wonders what their scale says.

so - as a frame of reference here are my stats ...the first time i tried to lose weight i was 17 and weighed 195 lbs. ... in three months i got down to 165 and looked pretty dang good. but i didn't feel good. i still felt fat (and ugly) and was exhausted from losing too much weight too quickly. ten years later i was 226 lbs - and gaining. in march of 2002 i started ww for the first time. starting weight: 261.8 ... after four months - down 38.8 to 223 ... then i stopped following ww in early 2003 and it crept back up to 252.4 in february 2004 - at which point i joined a second time ... and didn't lose a thing - just yo-yo'd up and down the same 5 lbs.

fast forward to june 2008 and the infamous second leg break. after the first one i swore i would lose weight and get in shape so i wouldn't be so handicapped if something like that ever happened again. hah! DID NOT HAPPEN. hence the extra challenges of gimping along for three months this summer - it could have been a lot easier!! july, august, september and october flew by in a flurry of healing, surgeries and complications, rehearsals and performances, work (and work travel) and just generally getting by.

november 1st was my first responsibility free day in months. i started it off by going to local ww office and signing up. turns out my cousin is the leader - how cool is that!?! haven't seen her in almost 8 years, so it was great to do so. anyway ... the scale (oh, the dreaded scale) told me some good news/bad news ... good news? i was down almost 10 lbs from when i broke my leg! (knowing i would be sitting around all the time, i worked hard not to put on weight - but i didn't expect to lose any - BONUS!!) bad news: i still weighed 274.4 lbs. looking at it objectively, that is only 12.8 up from the first time i joined ww and only 51.4 more than my lowest. considering i haven't been watching my weight (other than watching it go up, of course) for the past 4.5 years, this isn't too depressing.

i am only on my 4th day and the temptation is to hold onto this post until i am sure it will "stick" ... but that would be the coward in me, and i am tired of being fearful, secretive, and embarrassed by my overeating. it is not like i can keep it a secret, so why let it keep me secretive?? some of you have been around since the first time i went at this ww thing and know that i can be a tad obsessive. i am okay with that. i obsess about food whether i am eating healthily or not, so i might as well obsess on that side of the scale (pun intended).

what i want to make absolutely clear is that i am not the same person i was the first or even second time i joined ww. i love myself regardless of what the scale says and i never feel ugly anymore (well, maybe when i am praying to the porcelain gods with a nasty bout of flu or some such unfortunate event) ... but because i care about myself more, i want to care FOR myself better. i am in a place right now where i can and so i shall!

see you after saturday's weigh-in!

COMMENTS:

Kate said...
First! :)I just wanted to say congratulations on the journey to a healthier you . . . ! :)

Lisa-Marie said...
A very touching post!I think that you are very wise. Congratulations for your strength!

Kim said...
Cath--WAY TO GO!! First off, did you warn your cousin that you talk ALOT during meetings?!? :) I am proud of you and know you can do this. I am most happy that you love yourself as much as you do now. You are worth it all AND MORE!! Miss you--come visit!!!!!!!! xo

Still Trying said...
" ... but because i care about myself more, i want to care FOR myself better."Good for you! THAT is so awesome!Afton

Janine said...
Good Luck Catherine, I really hope you gain (and lose) all you can from this experience. I promise to support you in whatever way I can, just tell me how!

Lauren said...
Good luck, Catherine. You have such a great attitude that I'm sure this will be a good experience. And, just for the record, you are one of my all time favorite people. We miss you.

Amy said...
I'm excited for you, Cath! Lots of luck!

Kris said...
I've been involved with weight watchers TWICE. Both times I lost a few pounds but then "fell off the wagon" so to speak (the first time was in the UK and I couldn't figure out what half the foods were in the book so it was discouraging). Actually, I finally realized after leaving the last time that I really should be doing the "core" program as I HATE counting points. *sigh*. I need to lose weight too. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 250lbs which for someone 5'9" is apparently in that red zone on those gorrible charts at the docs; my goal, my realistic goal is 190lbs. I am working on it (eating better, not too much exercise yet at the behest of my OB, generally lifestyle changes first). I hear you, I completely understand. You go girl, I am behind you 110%! If you ever want someone to talk to who will be completely open and honest about weight and how they feel about their body heck yeah, call me!K.

kim said...
Hey Cath,You are great and I love what you said about accountability, it's true. I'm trying to do that w/some of my goals too: so that if I slack off, I'm not the only one who knows. I'm so proud of you and think you are amazing either before or after!!