last week's eesg was especially intense for me. i have been really struggling with the "knowing what i know, why do i do what i do" concept.
*i know eating "treats" at every meal will not enable the number on the scale to go down
*i know eating vegetables and fruits will make me feel better RIGHT NOW (not at some far away point in time)
*i know that not eating them will make me feel crummy right quick
*i know eating by the clock keeps the metabolism running, and i avoid getting overly hungry and/or stuffed to the brim
*i know exercising (even 15 minutes a day) will make an ENORMOUS difference in my life (energy, stress-relief, etc, etc)
and yet ...
*i eat a HUGE bag of maltesers all at once, add 10 oreos and a bowl of ice cream for a day of disaster!!
*i end up throwing out 2 bags of salad because i tried to make them last all week and they went bad ... note to self: if i run out of vegetables or fruit - THE STORE HAS MORE!!
*i eat a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce instead of the YUMMY nectarines in the fridge
*i park close to the entrance of places i need to go, never drive by the gym on the way home (in case it has a ginormous cath magnet and sucks me in!), and daydream all sorts of pleasant evening walks that never become reality.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all this led to me labeling myself as "pre-contemplative" on the scale of
addiction recovery.
i don't like being there. but i felt relief at labeling it as such. maybe i am just not really ready to do something about the fact that i am addicted to food and destructive eating habits.
then along came a reality check. and i blame the chicken and shrimp pasta.
i went for lunch with some girls from the office and after receiving my order i set 1/2 aside for another meal. we left the restaurant and the girls who ate all their meals were moaning about being stuffed, etc. i, and the other girl who took home leftovers, left feeling satisfied and energized. and when i stayed late at work that night, i had dinner right there!
i shared this experience with my eesg - and then when i tried to label myself "pre-contemplative" she called me on it. because pre-contemplatives don't take home half their meal. she said, "you seem to need to KNOW where you are at - but it is okay not to know."
and that's when it hit me. for me, it ISN'T okay not to know. cause that's what i am. the girl who KNOWS. when people describe me, smart usually is in the top 5 descriptors. that doesn't mean i am not other things, or that i am not surrounded by other really smart people. but it is definitely my thing. i read a lot. i use big words. i remember all sorts of useless stuff. i went to university - and graduated with a degree! I IS SMART!
so if i don't know where i am at with this food addiction, if i am not smart enough to solve this puzzle, what am i left with? i am a fat girl. ugly, lazy, weak-willed, unattractive to other people. and the negative self-talk just keeps flowing. crazy, right?? but can anyone say they haven't felt the same at times? done the same trash talking about themselves??
i tell myself i am okay the way i am - that i love myself no matter what i look like on the outside. that losing weight is for the good for my health, and yes, self-esteem - but i don't NEED it to happen to be happy. and that is right. and true.
and yet ... i am not quite there, yet.
in the meantime, i am going on a walk tonight. heck, i might even park at the edge of the parking lot!
"contemplation" by pino
while maltesers continue to linger as an addiction, lately they have been superseded by the (un)common cupcake. it is one thing to hang out with betty crocker for an afternoon, or invite duncan hines over for dessert, but these cupcakes are experts at luring foodies like me to our destruction. and at $2.50 to $2.95 a piece, they are not a cheap date.
